by Producer Alan Rogers in London
I climb the sand dune. My feet slip deep into the soft sand and I feel my shoes filling up. This is hard work.
The wind whips up a tiny sandstorm which sandblasts my eyes. I am wearing sunglasses so the worst is avoided but still I feel the gritty tears, mixed with sleepy dust that I will be pulling at later.
I have climbed this hill to scatter the ashes of my regret. The ashes of all the things I have done, which I hate thinking about.
I sit and unscrew the urn and look inside. The urn is full but I cannot bring myself to let these memories go. They choke me. They startle me at times when they are unwelcome. But I am afraid there is too much of me in there, and if I throw these to the wind I will disappear.
I sigh. Screw the lid back on tight, and carry it back with me. Back to my real life.
It is easy to assume that fate is like the feather motif in the opening credits to Forrest Gump; we are all blown by the chaos of the world towards an unknown destination. But I think it is not quite as whimsical.
Throughout our lives we are making decisions that directly affect not only how others perceive us, but how we perceive ourselves. Few people encourage others to think badly of them, so mostly we are trying to present ourselves positively. A subset of those decisions will affect our lives in some way for good or bad. But here’s the thing; We make those decisions ourselves. We are in fact more responsible for who we are than fate. We are who we want to be, even if we don’t like that thought. And our destination is one we steer ourselves towards.
We often blame fate though. The random nature of the world will force us to make decisions we find difficult. We often consider the decisions made for a long time afterwards; this is unlikely to produce a positive outcome. Retrospectively examining our decisions gives a false positive; knowing the outcome is a huge advantage we do not have when we make decisions, so it is unfair to judge our decisions based on outcome. Hindsight is not a learned skill. It is fact measured against our decisions to either verify or discredit our choices.
We are, in fact, pretty good at making decisions that help us. Which is why, we find ourselves, despite everything, doing better than we think we are.
When two people link up, the decision making becomes a shared responsibility. Suddenly the most important opinion in the world belongs to your partner. This is a blessing and a curse.
Opinions are thrown like wet clay onto the potters wheel:
To sit close to the wheel she has to spread her legs wide, wet her hands and rest her elbows on her thighs, leaning over the wheel. He has to push against her, his chest to her back, and reach round to help mould the clay. The four wet hands will manipulate and try but will never produce the art that a single potter will achieve. But perhaps they enjoy the process more.
Marriage is a strange institution. Moulded more by influence of the church than by the practitioner. It ties two people together in an established society. For better, or for worse.
The reason marriages fail. If I may be so bold as to offer further opinion; is that the goal of marriage is often confused. Some people think it is about sex. To some it may be, but in reality, sexual drive is a young persons domain, and marriages are meant to last a lifetime; so I don’t really think sex is a reason for marriage. Some people think it is about love. But love can be as ungraspable as the mist. It is there, sure, but what does it mean? To some it is about companionship, supposing that good friends and family mean nothing compared with someone you have legally committed to.
The purpose of marriage will mean many things to many people. But the true test of marriages is time. Can you still live with that person you decided was ‘the one’ when they have gotten old and fat, developed terrible unhygienic habits and no longer resemble mentally or physically, the person you swapped vows with? Still consider them as your ‘other half’? Some can’t. Others can. Luck, I believe has nothing to do with it. I believe it has more to do with your priorities at any point in time. Sometimes your priorities swing towards fabulous and liberating independence. Sometimes you crave the insular cell of a structured life. Ordered and dependable. These priorities fluctuate like biorhythms, and we are at our weakest when they are at their strongest.
Just my opinion of course…..and ash, and sand.
TITLES
Only You by ‘The Platters’ starts playing
Absolutely iconic song. When Tony Williams cuts in with the lead vocals the hairs on the back of my neck start to rise.
Scenes from ‘War of the Roses’ start to play (in a slightly sepia tone):
Confession time; I have never seen this film.
Turner: This is the most romantic day of my whole life.
Douglas: This is the story we are going to tell our grandchildren
Devito: They met. Great.
Turner: I love the rain.
Douglas: (staring at her transparent blouse) God I love it too.
Devito: They agreed on that.
Turner: Are you happy
Douglas: I’m more than happy. I’m married.
Turner: The house is so beautiful. And we live here.
Devito: The house. The car. The beginning. The poor bastards never had a chance.
Turner: I look at you lately. I just want to smash your face in.
Devito: When a couple starts keeping score, there is no winning, there’s only degrees of losing.
Douglas: Nobody who makes pate this good can be all bad.
Turner: It depends on what the pate is made of.
Devito: Sounds like a fairytale doesn’t it?
Given the subject of the film, this sets us up nicely. Looks a good comedy albeit a bit slapstick.
Fade to black
A very animated man appears in black and white on the right half the screen. The left half remains black, where the TITLES continue to play.
JAMES SEXTON
DIVORCE ATTORNEY / NEW YORK CITY
Never heard of him. Seems quite articulate though.
Sexton: If you break it down fundamentally, 56% of marriages end in divorce. Think about…that’s the ones that end in divorce. So how many people… what percentage stay together for the kids? Or because they don’t want to give away half their shit. Another 10%? That’s conservative.
Interviewer: Conservative?
Sexton: But let’s say…let’s say 20% then. Ok.
This kind of throwaway mathematics makes me laugh. First of all the percentage is not explained: There is a general understanding that the figure is rising, but the figure is not given a date, so we don’t know if he means in 2023 or earlier. Also geography will change this figure. In China the 2023 divorce rate is less than 1%. Let’s assume he means the USA because. Well, America.
Interviewer: That’s at least, right?
Sexton: You now have a technology that fails 76% of the time. That’s insane. That’s insane. That’s more likely than not. 76%. If I told you that there was a 76% chance when you walk out the door today you were going to be hit in the head with a bowling ball. You would not go out. Or you would wear a helmet. For sure.
Sexton likes a terrible analogy. But he plucks them from his imagination (perhaps he has watched War of the Roses too many times). Comparing getting married, then divorced to being struck by a bowling ball is hilarious and tragic simultaneously.
It literally fits the legal definition of negligence. It’s a negligent behaviour. The way you define negligence in law school is when, what you lose by not doing something ok? Is lower than the risk of harm. It’s what’s called a BPL analysis so the burden of not doing a thing, is lower than the likelihood, the probability, of harm. So BPL, So Burden, Probability and Loss. Marriage is an inherently negligent activity. It’s like owning a Lion. But love and Marriage have very little to do with each other, I don’t think there is much of a correlation there. I, I, I think that’s where we got off track. The other statistic is 56% of marriages end in divorce but 84% of people who get divorced are remarried within 5 years of their divorce.
Interviewer: Really? (Chuckles)
Sexton: Think about that so now you’ve done it. And failed. And felt the pain of the loss. And within 5 years 84% are remarried.
I really do not like the interviewer and he has barely said anything. He appears to be goading Mr Sexton.
Fade to Black.
Fade up to Missy In the Garden. Orange/Gold tones. There is a video effect going on here where we see here superimposed on herself so that we see her and past versions of her from various hundred milliseconds ago. She is settling on a towel on the grass. There are sheets hanging out to dry in the distance. A dog walks past and distracts missy for a while. Missy smokes, dances and looks into the camera, occasionally rearranging the towel. Sometimes sitting sometimes laying on the towel. The camera remains static, suggesting that this is a ‘selfie’.
Let Her Go by ‘Passenger’ plays.
Beautiful song. One of my favourites.
I KNOW FEW THINGS
You are very modest.
BUT THERE IS ONE THING I AM CERTAIN OF
I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED
IF YOU’RE REALLY, REALLY LUCKY
YOU’LL MEET SOMEBODY THAT YOU FEEL AT HOME WITH
IF THAT FEELING NEVER GOES AWAY
AND THE TWO OF YOU ARE TRULY RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER
THEN YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED
FOR TAX PURPOSES AT LEAST
Ha. Yes, that is the old romantic in you coming out.
THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IS BEING THREATENED
BY PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED
ALL PEOPLE CHANGE
SO YOU CAN’T REALLY PROMISE EVERLASTING FIDELITY
I take slight exception to this. We all have different sexual needs. This is well documented and known. We all have various tastes and wants. Desire and lust befuddle the brain, but that is no excuse for cheating on someone, whether they are married to you or not.
BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHO YOU’LL BE IN TEN YEARS
THE CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IS PHANTASMIC
RUSSIAN AUTHOR LEO TOLSTOY ONCE SAID
MARRY WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND GOOD FOR NOTHING
OTHERWISE ALL THAT’S GOOD AND LOFTY IN YOU WILL BE LOST
Tolstoy was born into a very different society than that of modern America. If you think modern Russian males are homophobic sexists, then multiply that a few times to get to Tolstoy. His wife suffered their marriage much more than he did.
I KNOW I AM NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL
I’VE GOT TOO MUCH I NEED TO DO BEFORE I DIE
SOCIETY SAYS THE UNMARRIED ARE DISCONTENTED & LONELY
I COULDN’T DISAGREE MORE
Double negative. Nice.
I FIND INDEPENDENCE EXHILARATING
PEOPLE BECOME MISERABLE
NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT MARRIED
BUT BECAUSE THEY THINK
MARRIAGE MIGHT FINALLY MAKE THEM HAPPY
ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS OF BEING A SINGLE PERSON
IS YOUR ABILITY TO SAY YES
YES TO RANDOM PHONE CONVERSATIONS
YES TO COFFEE
YES TO MEETING NEW PEOPLE
YES TO TRAVELLING
YES TO MAKING WHATEVER FILMS YOU WANT
I am glad you find that a gift. However as someone who is married; I can only point out that I say yes a lot too.
IT GIVES YOU UNBELIEVABLE FREEDOM
THEREFORE, THE SEARCH FOR A SPOUSE
ISN’T A PURSUIT OF PERFECTION
IT IS THE PURSUIT OF DILUTED DECISION MAKING
HOW TO SPEND YOUR FREE TIME
WHO YOU TALK TO
HOW YOU SPEND YOUR INCOME
I agree with all of the above.
I DON’T JUDGE PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE MARRIAGE
I DON’T NEED TO MAKE EVERYONE WRONG TO MAKE ME RIGHT
THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION I ASK MYSELF IS
WHY DID THE UNIVERSE CREATE ME?
Now that is a question worth exploring. For all of us. Married or not.
AND FOR WHAT PURPOSE
FOR ME THAT IS AN INFINITELY MORE IMPORTANT QUESTION
THAN ‘WILL I GET MARRIED’?
WHILE MARRIAGE MAY BRING JOY IN CERAIN AREAS
IT IMMEDIATELY MULTIPLIES DISTRACTIONS & COMPLICATIONS
MEN MARRY BECAUSE THEY ARE TIRED OF THE CHASE
Not all men.
WOMEN, BECAUSE THEY ARE CURIOUS
That is interesting. Curious of what?
BASED ON THE AVAILABLE DATA
76% WILL BE DISAPPOINTED
FOR ME, MARRIAGE CAN WAIT
BUT WHAT I HAVE TO ACHIEVE CAN’T
I DON’T WANT TO BE MARRIED JUST TO BE MARRIED
Nobody should marry because of societal pressures.
I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING LONELIER
THANT SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE
WITH SOMEONE I CAN’T TALTK TO
OR WORSE SOMEONE I CAN’T BE SILENT WITH
This is very perceptive. Communication is key in any relationship.
NOWADAYS 80% OF WOMEN ARE AGAINST MARRIAGE
Where did you get that statistic from? Please.
WHY? BECAUSE WOMEN REALISE
ITS NOT WORTH BUYING AN ENTIRE PIG
JUST TO GET A LITTLE SAUSAGE
Ha. See what you did there. Bit insulting, but I will let it pass over me as I know it is for comedic effect.
THE TROUBLE WITH SOME WOMEN IS
THEY GET ALL EXCITED ABOUT NOTHING
AND THEN THEY MARRY HIM
Ouch.
TO SAY THAT ONE WAITS A LIFETIME
FOR THEIR SOLE-MATE TO COME AROUND
IS A PARASOX
PEOPLE EVENTUALLY GET SICK OF WAITING
THEN THEY TAKE A CHANCE ON SOMEONE
HOPING THAT THE ACT OF COMMITMENT
MANIFESTS A SOUL-MATE
All I really Want by Alanis Morisette: https://youtu.be/MPqGOtgvHrk (I chose the lyric video because her words are soooooo perfect in this instance)
EVEN THOUGH EVERY PERSON UNDERSTANDS
THAT BUYING A LOTTERY TICKET
DOESN’T GUARANTEE SUCCESS
And soulmates? I don’t think they exist.
SOMETIMES I WONDER
IF MEN & WOMEN REALLY SUIT EACH OTHER LONG TERM
PERHAPS THEY SHOULD JUST LIVE NEXT DOOR
AND VISIT NOW AND THEN
Some marriages work this way.
FOR ME
MARRIAGE IS LIKE A SERIES OF OPPOSING REFLECTIONS
INVERSE IMAGES GETING EVER SMALLER
LIKE RUSSIAN NESTING DOLLS
Back to Tolstoy?
EACH ONE OF YOU TRYING TO SQUEEZE YOURSELF SMALLER
TO FIT INSIDE THE HOPES OF THE OTHER
UNTIL ONE OF YOU CRACKS
OR STOPS EXISTING
I am not sure I understand this analogy in a literal sense, but perhaps it is like my sand dune motif at the beginning of this letter to you; a poetic vehicle for a thought expression. In which case; I am all on board and can see exactly what you mean.
IF IM HONEST WITH MYSELF
I THINK MY GREATEST FEAR WITH REGARD TO MARRIAGE
IS THAT I’M AFRAID I’D MARRY SOMEONE LIKE MYSELF
AND END UP BEING MARRIED
TO SOMEONE THAT I CAN’T STAND
But think of the empathy.
SANITY DOES NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR RESPONSIBILITY
‘LONGED FOR HIM. GOT HIM. SHIT’
- MARGARET ATWOOD / POET
Atwood was happily married.
Cut to black
DIVORCE ISN’T SUCH A TRAGEDY
A TRAGEDY IS STAYING IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE
IT TEACHES YOU THE WRONG THINGS ABOUT LOVE
NOBODY EVER DIED OF DIVORCE
This is very true.
CREDITS (over)
Sexton: I will tell you something. When I was a kid, you know, like every kid you have the fantasy of like if you were invisible what would you do? You know, go to the girls locker room, you know. Whatever. I, I have this fantasy if I could be invisible, I have about eight clients that I would like to sneak into their house and find their wedding album. Like I know, it’s in the attic somewhere or something. Because I would love to see what it looked like when these people loved each other. Because they are weaponised against each other now, and we are trying to kill each other and we are taking every secret every intimacy everything that would just…
Interviewer (talking over Sexton): You see these people at their ugliest.
This is what I mean. Sexton was about to show empathy to his clients, and the interviewer comes in and goads again. But Sexton continues with his thought train.
Sexton: At their ugliest. At their worst. And there is something in me that just the thought, that like you guys. At some point, at some point you were like there’s like 7.3billion people in the world and you’re the one. Your’e the one I just want to be with. And smell. And touch. And like that, that, that feeling that we all know. That feeling of like just the electricity of another person. You know and
I, I, I think I am a romantic at heart in the sense that I really get it. Like I really get why we do this. I’ve felt it I know It, I understand it.
And this. This is at the heart of the subject. The romance. The love. The lust. The spiritual feeling of togetherness. The huge desire to please each other. It is at the heart of why we want to get married.
But tying that to the technology of marriage to me makes almost no sense whatsoever and I actually think that it’s almost antagonistic to that connection with another person. Because there is so much expectation that comes with marriage, culturally. We’ve created so much stuff around it. Like when you, when you marry someone, they’re supposed to be…at least in the , modern western model: Your best Friend, best roommate , best co-parent, best travel partner, Best err roommate, best, best everything, best activity partner, like how would, how would one person be all of those things? That’s insane.
I mentioned hindsight earlier. This is an example of what I meant.
Like if I was, I was interviewing for a job and said I want you to be the best typist, and I also want you to be best on the phone and I also want you to be great at it and I ran down a list of dissimilar things, like whatever.
Err. Are you after a secretary? Sexton has lost the plot here, but he plough’s on hoping his analogy will start to make sense.
I went to an amazing chef and said ‘I know you are a great chef but can you farm’, like that has to do with food but they’re not the same thing.
Nope. The analogy is failing, so he moves on.
Like what are you talk… So I think why do we put on people this idea? Like whoever came up with the word ’Soulmate’ really we should be paying, like divorce lawyers should be paying that person dividends. Because we’ve convinced people that if this person isn’t meeting every one of your needs, checking all of these boxes they’re not your soulmate. Your soulmate would know exactly what to do, exactly what to say at exactly the right time .
Interviewer: Hmm.
End.
Another thought provoking film Missy. This is food for the brain, thank you.
I can give very little advice about marriage even though I have been married now for 37 years. I am neither happy nor unhappy with married life. I just see it as ‘life’. I am institutionalised. We help each other.
There is a beautiful song by Bruce Springsteen called ‘If I should fall behind’ (https://youtu.be/P5spsKjK7j4) it is the closest thing to marriage advice I can give. Listen to the words before you commit. Though you say you never will.
The quest for purpose. The quest for knowing ‘the plan’ is a spiritual one. I am not sure there is such a thing. Evolution appears to be a lot of happy and unhappy accidents. But know this: You have already changed peoples lives for the better. Feel good about that.
All the best,