by Missy Jubilee
‘HOLES’ is my 226th film in the 250 film Future Sex Love Art Projekt. It is a film about cool girls, lesbian tendencies and a vagina that ate the world.
Is doing nothing
an answer
to everything?
Or is doing everything an
answer to nothing?
The reality is that on this day
I was someone’s mistake
Even as she mouthed the words
‘Fuck me like I’m a hole in the universe’
All I thought was
You don’t have any idea what I am planning…
Do you Andrea?
If only you could see
How pointless intimacy is to me
I am the one who knows it is over,
even before the holes start to appear
Better not say it in the first place
Leave it to bask in the sun.
The same sun it was born under.
The same sun that will dry the tears
when it is gone
Better to be left a mystery
Than come completely undone
I knew all along I could not be loved by my best friend
Not for hiding something
But for revealing everything
But I’m sure someone could find a hole in that theory.
Finding holes and pulling strings is a job for some people right?
My greatest fantasy was to get busy with Andrea on the beach,
and have everyone watching us – denounce us.
What if shame was walking along the beach
What would happen?
There’d be a spotlight
And a searchlight
Both
They’d find me. They look at me. They show me…
All the holes in my thinking.
and my need for an audience.
My skin is stretched
As thin as my words
Because a word
Can be a revolution
Or an idea
Worth dying for.
This is me
Being a number
And landing on a square,
I start counting backwards
from one to nothing
This is me throwing my hat
Into the ring of life
Because art is a lie
And nothing is real.
Except tadpole porn & diminishing returns
Epilogue
I thought I fucked a friend
But she fucked me
Not malevolently
She fucked me because she wanted too
Because fucking and me
Are in the same aisle
Convenience.
She said
I love your sex
but why do you give it away?
Bitch I never give anything away
But I have never asked for anything
My sex isn’t for sale
My sex is a benefit concert
For anyone
That wants to sing along
But don’t bring the kids
Andrea may have been
A picture
A flower
A desire
A promise
At times
A need…maybe
A fragment of a memory always.
But she always had a problem with any boyfriend I had
25 May 2007
Andrea: So what’s going on, why are you still doing this, what’s it about?
Missy: I don’t know. I don’t want to stop. It’s about sex and depravity.
Andrea: But what are you learning?
Missy: About myself, why I do what I do, why I react the way I do…
Andrea: So what’s Lindsey learning? Why is Lindsey doing this?
Missy: I have created an obsession within him, for fucking me. So, it’s working well
Andrea: So you’re letting yourself be used for sex.
Missy: In return for understanding of myself
Andrea: You’ve got to stop doing this to yourself.
Missy: But I didn’t. Because these were the orgasms that I had to fake to keep the obsession alive