by Missy Jubilee
The date is November 2019
Since I was 16 years old
I have gone from male to male.
This endless search
for the love that is going to make me feel complete.
And it never did.
And even though I was never physically alone,
time and time again,
I felt the pain of
not knowing who the fuck I was.
Because I just morphed into whoever I thought they wanted me to be.
Because that’s the way I could get love.
And even then, that didn’t work.
And it wasn’t until this last month,
when the last two situations I’d been involved in really hit home.
And I saw the truth of what I’d become.
This woman that would stop at nothing.
The lines that I was willing to cross.
The boundaries that I overrode.
There were no limits to what I was willing to do to myself.
To accept these scraps of affection,
in the place of love.
Of thinking that they were love,
when they were far from it.
And I saw that.
I had become a pathetic addict.
Searching for the high.
And it wasn’t until I was stripped competely bare,
that I saw the truth of what I had become.
And it was so painful,
to undo all of it.
And I know it was all necessary.
And I can see the perfection in all of it.
Here I am.
Come and get me