FUTURE SEX LOVE ART PROJEKT · FILM 224 OF 250
FILM NO. 224
HERE I AM
'HERE I AM' is Missy Jubilee's 224th film in the 250 film Future Sex Love Art Projekt. It is a film about how the Rashomon Effect changes the perspective of memories
224 HERE I AM A film about finding your voice The Film I AM MISSY JUBILEE HERE |AM (GOME AND GETME) HERE IAN is a film about how the Rashomon Effect changes the perspective of memories The date is November 2019 Since | was 16 years old I have gone from male to male. This endless search for the love that is going to make me feel complete. And it never did.
And even though | was never physically alone, time and time again, I felt the pain of not knowing who the fuck | was. Because | just morphed into whoever | thought they wanted me to be. Because that's the way | could get love. And even then, that didn't work. And it wasn't until this last month, when the last two situations I'd been involved in really hit home. And | saw the truth of what I'd become.
This woman that would stop at nothing. The lines that | was willing to cross. The boundaries that | overrode. There were no limits to what | was willing to do to myself. To accept these scraps of affection, in the place of love. Of thinking that they were love, when they were far from it. And | saw that. I had become a pathetic addict. Searching for the high.
And it wasn't until | was stripped completely bare, that | saw the truth of what | had become. And it was so painful, to undo alll of it. And | know it was all necessary. And | can see the perfection in all of it. Here | am. Come and get me About This Film 224 HERE I AM is part of the Missy Jubilee Future Sex Love Art Projekt — a planned 250-film autobiographical series produced by Appaloosa Duck.
Explore more Missy Jubilee films and read the artist statement.
Credits
Written, directed, edited and produced by Missy Jubilee. Produced by Appaloosa Duck. Part of The Future Sex Love Art Projekt, a 250-film series exploring intimacy, identity, and the body.
More from the Projekt
by Missy Jubilee
A film about how the Rashomon Effect changes the perspective of memories
The date is November 2019
Since I was 16 years old
I have gone from male to male.
This endless search
for the love that is going to make me feel complete.
And it never did.
And even though I was never physically alone,
time and time again,
I felt the pain of
not knowing who the fuck I was.
Because I just morphed into whoever I thought they wanted me to be.
Because that’s the way I could get love.
And even then, that didn’t work.
And it wasn’t until this last month,
when the last two situations I’d been involved in really hit home.
And I saw the truth of what I’d become.
This woman that would stop at nothing.
The lines that I was willing to cross.
The boundaries that I overrode.
There were no limits to what I was willing to do to myself.
To accept these scraps of affection,
in the place of love.
Of thinking that they were love,
when they were far from it.
And I saw that.
I had become a pathetic addict.
Searching for the high.
And it wasn’t until I was stripped completely bare,
that I saw the truth of what I had become.
And it was so painful,
to undo all of it.
And I know it was all necessary.
And I can see the perfection in all of it.
Here I am.
Come and get me.
Script review
Alan Rogers on this film
Alan Rogers is The Future Sex Love Art Projekt producer based in London. He reviews each Missy Jubilee film as a working screenplay.
HERE I AM Script Review
by Producer Alan Rogers in London
https://missyjubilee.com/films/224-here-i-am/
Subject: "As you were" · Sent: 17 Sep 2024
by Producer Alan Rogers in London
I stare again into the bottle to see if there is anything left, and all I see is the green distorted view of the room beyond.
HERE I AM
A statement in a title. Who hasn't laid back on their bed stretched their arms and legs out wide and said 'take me'? *
* Apart from Nuns obviously. But everyone else...yup.
This reminds me of the Billy Connelly observation that you should never trust a man who upon entering a kitchen with a tea cosy doesn't put it on his head.
The film starts with a Family Guy clip of morally bankrupt Quagmire (talking to a corrupt Doctor) wanting to have non-consensual sex with invalid female patients of a mental ward. All good lighthearted fun.
The starting clue to the film content: "CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU?......I AM BAD NEWS.....I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND...I'M NOT GONNA HELP YOU....I'M GONNA BREAK YOU...ANY QUESTIONS?" (Man takes polaroid picture)
Cut to Missy crying. Not going to lie...this is not nice...a shocking introduction that tips the brain to the opposite angle (for context It was assuming that the clue words though spoken by a male, were your own thoughts, but this turns it on it's head making you the victim of the words).
There's a Venn diagram showing the dates: 1953 (71 years ago), 1986 (38 years ago) and 2019 (5 years ago). The middle convergence is left blank.
There is a montage of memories of men. Most are angry and dangerous. I am sensing this is to convey...
Your emotion is pouring out of you as you sob unselfconsciously into the camera. I wonder why you have this footage....
There is a Stephen Fry clip about phantom memories (A subject I have raised a number of times before).
There is a segment where you practice cathartic self-help therapy by explaining yourself to the camera. Your face is full of gr...
Let's play a game...tell me something you don't want me to know.
There is a girl riding in the back of a car. She is wearing a school uniform. She looks nervous.
MULLUMBIMBY, AUSTRALIA, 7 YEARS OLD\ The girl is you.
MELBOURNE AUSTRAILIA, 16 YEARS OLD\ Cut to Girl sitting in a restaurant opposite a boy who is explaining to her how he would like her t...\ This girl is also you.
KARRATHA WESTERN AUSTRALIA, 31 YEARS OLD\ Cut to woman in a warehouse taking a selfie whilst moving the camera around on the spot to always s...\ You used this footage when describing your tryst with the Helicopter pilot. This is definitely you.
Narrator: for the rest of your life you're going to be looking over your shoulder.
NOVEMBER 2019\ I recognise this shot immediately. This is the voyeur shot from 'X35 Watching Snatches'.
And since I was 16 years old. I've gone from male to male. This endless search for the love that is...\ were no limits to what I was willing to do to myself. To accept these scraps of affection in the place...\ were love when they were far from it. And I saw that. I had become a pathetic addict. Searching for the high. And it wasn't...\ and here I am. And I know that it was necessary. And I can see the perfection in all of it.
This feels like it is part of your talking therapy. I assume it is your voice and your feelings, wh... you were aware of that fact from the get go. I remember saying (to you) that I watched your early films with my wife and you jumped immediately onto it asking for her opinion. I asked her, but she said that the films were not for couples or women, but for men and wouldn't watch them with me again. That was years ago an... you have, so I guess she was wrong. In a way.
DO YOU EVER WODER IF THE PEEPING TOM IN THE WINDOW WAS REAL, OR IF YOU'RE JUST A REFLECTION OF HIM?\ No. He is real. He is me. As you well know.
EPILOGUE: THE RASHOMON EFFECT\ My god. Your whole project uses this. It is what makes your films so bloody brilliant. Along with t...
WHO WAS WATCHING WHO?\ IS IT THE 16 YEAR OLD VERSION OF ME WATCHING MYSELF?\ No.\ AM I WATCHING MY CONSCIENCE IN A MIRROR?\ No.\ ARE YOU WITNESSING ME TAKE INSTRUCTIONS FROM SOMEONE ENABLING MY ADDICTION?\ Bingo.\ IS THIS THE ATTENTION I HAVE BEEN SEEKING?\ No.\ IF SO, WHY AM I HIDING IN THE SHOWER?
You are not hiding in the shower. You have intentionally filmed yourself in the shower in the Pan Pacific hotel in Perth (yes it is in F... you did film yourself at the open window of this hotel completely naked). Whether you were told to film yourself naked or you did so because you wanted to is key; however, the footage is published and made into public art. The next and more se... you are publishing these films because you want to, need to or have to.
THE UNIVERSE STILL HAD ACCOUNTS TO SETTLE. AND MY KARMA ACCOUNT WAS WAY OVERDRAWN.\ I disagree. I think you are way in credit. Your films bring more than just enjoyment to some...
Just a few lines to reflect on though...\ One thing you can't hide\ Is when your'e crippled inside - Lennon
And in the end,\ The love you take,\ Is equal to the love,\ You make - McCartney
This film hit me like a wet fish and knocked me into the canal
You have made some amazing art Missy. You are at the helm. You can steer this ship to whatever waters you wish. I look forward to seeing where you take it.