‘FEELOSOPHY’ is a film about the weirdness of intimacy, and bridging divides
Children’s book author Dr Suess once said “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love”
This film is set in 2014
It was a time of great weirdness
It was a time for decisions to be made
It was a time when I would sit and write
Write myself letters
Pages and pages
Filled
With flight
Elevations
This was my way
Of flying
This was my way
Out
To leave it all behind
Like a cheap roundabout
Oh
I felt
Such
A long
Way from
Home
Damned bridges
FEELOSOPHY
(The capacity to be weird with someone, and them be okay with that)
SCRIPT
Crescent Head Australia
3rd July 2014
(six days before my 33rd birthday)
Hope
I hope you never have to think about anything
as much as I think about everything
I’m so afraid of losing anything I love,
that I refuse to love anything
The feelings that hurt most, and the emotions that sting,
are those that are so absurd
The longing for impossible things,
precisely because they are impossible
Nostalgia for what never was
The desire for what could have been
Regret over not being someone else
Dissatisfaction with your existence in the universe
All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness
create a bumpy landscape with an eternal sunset
The only calibration that counts
is how much heart people invest in their vulnerability,
and how much they ignore their fears of being hurt
Nothing else really counts at all
Painting
Eventually everything you love
is going to be taken away
And you will fall to the floor crying
But there’s an element of the ridiculous to it
You always knew it would happen
And, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying,
you look at the place where the wall meets the floor,
and you realize you didn’t paint it very well
Duality
Marry, and you will regret it
Don’t marry, you will also regret it
Trust someone, you will regret it
Trust someone not, you will also regret it
This duality gentlemen, is why feelosophy is so weird
Life is like…
I suppose a happy life is like a pie chart
In the end, you look back on your life
and hopeully see that the largest piece of it was love
The problems, the breakups, the sadness,
those will be there too,
but just smaller slivers of tiny pieces
Unfortunately, sensitive people either love deeply,
or they regret deeply
There really is no middle ground
because they live in passionate extremes
Maybe all one can do in that situation,
is hope to end up with the right regrets
We all have that person we lost,
who we’d like to say thank you to before we die
Because then, hopefully
this thing we call an lived experience will resolve
Hope
There is a crucial age when a women begins to regret
having stayed faithful to a partner she never really loved
It is when the glowing sunset colors of her beauty
offer her one last, urgent choice
between maternal and feminine love
At such a moment
a life that seemed to have chosen its course long ago
is questioned
For that last time
the magic compass needle of the will
hovers between final resignation and hope
But hope is a mysterious arrangement
of merciless logic for a futile purpose
Then there is that awkward procedure
of getting to unknow each other
Pangs
Over the last couple of years,
the photos of me when I was a little girl…
well, they’ve started to give me pangs
Not unhappiness, exactly,
but some kind of quiet, deep regret…
I keep wanting to apologize to the little girl
‘I’m sorry, I let you down
I was the person who was supposed to look after you’
‘But I blew it’
‘I made wrong decisions at bad times,
and I turned you into me’
Mothballs
Over the years, I’ve lodged that little girl in the permanent past
I put her on ice,
stuffed her with memories and mothballs
I’d dust her off from time to time,
and then put her back on the mantelpiece
All I was likely to discover at this point,
was just how distant were the paths we’d taken
Illusions
When you start thinking about what your life was like 10 years ago,
it’s disturbing to realize how certain elements of your being
are now completely dead
They die long before you do
It’s astonishing to consider all the things from your past
that used to happen all the time
But now they never happen anymore
Or they never even cross your mind
It’s almost like those things didn’t happen
Or maybe it seems like they just happened to someone else
To someone you didn’t really know
Someone whose path crossed with yours momentarily
And now you can’t even remember their name
But I wouldn’t have missed a single minute of it
Not for the whole world