Continued from Episode 53: Voyeur
On the last night of watching my father & his lover have sex
I threw a large rock through their window
To see if I could hurl a homemade molotov cocktail
That same distance
I could have. But I didn't. This is not a Stephen King film
Age 14, 1994
A small town by the sea
The only thing I accomplished that night was this
For the first time in 12 months, I stopped them having sex
And when I did, the need to kill them left me, I existed. For thatmoment
After watching them scream and run around in panicked circles
I ran home so I was there before my father
I made sure I got to bed before they started to argue again
This night would be different, quiet, just whispered voices
I thought my father knew it was me, why weren't they arguing tonight?
I listened intently, but I couldn't hear what they were saying
Until there was a sobbing scream. A scream that gasped for air
I would later learn it was the universal cry of the sexually un-worthy
The only other thing I remember from that moment was
The words that my mother screamed behind their closed door
'I lay here naked every night waiting for you to touch me and you never do'
Then she wailed 'what's wrong with me!'
I had screamed that a lot in my life too
I remember thinking 3 things right at that moment
1. Don't ask a question if you want to know the answer
2. I might embarrass you. But you disgust me with your neediness
3. I will never be weak or oblivious like you. I'm 14. I figured it out
Over the course of 8 years
Both role models in my life had dis-integerated in slow emotion replay
Until they were nothing of influence
So that moment I learnt everything about my life
And this I learnt
There is one thing stronger than hope, and that is hate
And there is one thing stronger than hate
And that is self-loathing
I don't blame anyone. I made all my own choices from this moment on
"The best weapon for your own protection is your own spine"
- RALPH WALDO EMERSON
I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
- DAVID BOWIE/MAJOR TOM
During the making of this film, our beautiful black labrador Zoey - who featured in a many of our films, died unexpectedly
She had been suffering epileptic fits over the last 6 months, but had been getting slowly better over the last three months as we changed her medication.
Unfortunately, the night before she died, she suffered a major fit at about 4am. During that day, she took herself off for a swim in her favourite dam. She must have suffered another fit when she was swimming, because we found her floating in the dam around lunchtime that day.
Zoey came to us when she needed a better home. She was a rescue dog, but she saved us.
We think she was about 6 years old when she came to live with us. We think she was about 11 years old when she passed.
I cannot describe the emotional devastation of losing her. But she brings a smile to my face whenever I see her memory - and I see her everywhere, and in everything
I fell apart some more writing this. My unbalanced mind that goes and goes when my emotions are bankrupt and I don't want light to interfere and show things that hurt
Questions about life. Questions that would ruin a game show.... just give me the fuckin cruise or the fridge. Something. Else.
But it is good for me to be with the pain of loving, and then losing. Because the loving is the important part of that equation, and it was absent for many years of my life
We were blessed to be able love you Zoey. Thank you for being so kind, gentle and funny
You are deeply missed by us - and our other pets Splat, Popsicle & Daisy keep wondering where you are. We tell them that you are now running along the beach, and that you never have to turn around and come home. And you can now have as many chips and as much tomato sauce as you like. They are pretty jealous about that. Especially Daisy