by producer Alan Rogers in London
In my feverish imaginings, the gap between reality and fantasy meet like fused pebbles on a beach. I sometimes think that is all I need. To hold the cold pebble and gaze into its multicoloured essence. A salty rock washed by a billion waves could be a motif for the bigger picture; to step boldly into the big blue without the slightest of regret.
It makes me wonder about the reality of being. About how we form this matrix of existence; always moving forward in time and experience until our light is extinguished. Billions of beings consuming the planet by the forkful. Not caring enough to stop, but caring enough to be worried.
I wonder about the continual interaction of those beings too. Some typing, some reading, some posing, some filming, some doing all those things (and more). The half-duplex media world of creation and consumption. The telegram art. Taken from the quiver, slotted into the bow and fired dead and true though our milky membranes; a gunslingers instinct to fire back.
We don’t know nothing. We don’t even know what nothing means. We regurgitate. We plaster over the cracks of our knowledge with yesterday’s leftovers, and to be honest it really does leave a bitter taste. I long for a guru. Are you my guru? My spiritual guide? I thought Father John Misty might be, but now I fall asleep to his voice.
In this Gen Z world we are bombarded with meme philosophy; but we challenge. Because to stop challenging would be acceptance. And that would be unforgivable.
There is a track on Paul Simon’s masterpiece album ‘There Goes Rhyming’ Simon’ called ‘Kodachrome’. The song is a love song about photography, but there is a line in it that fits here. He sings: ‘If you took all the girls I knew when I was single. And bought them all together for one night. I know they’d never match my sweet imagination. And everything looks worse in black and white’. My interpretation of those words are that he understands the value of fantasy. That it is worth more at times than lived experience. Any attempt to live out a fantasy would surely lead to disappointment? And imagination is also bound by experience. You cannot imagine something you have not done, or at least witnessed in some way.
ARE YOU IN TOUCH WITH ALL YOUR SICKEST FANTASIES?
There is no preamble here. Straight into nude Missy on beach. Sombre churchlike choir music playing. The words are incoherent though. Possibly latin.
HAVE YOU CREATED A LIFE WHERE YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THEM?
I HAVE. BECAUSE MY FANTASIES TAKE HOSTAGES
WHEN ARE SICK FANTASIES NOT SICK?
WHEN YOU LOVE THEM
I can relate to this. There is no evidence (as far as I can tell) that suggests humans cannot separate fantasy from reality. In fact there is plenty of evidence that we can suspend belief such as within a universe created for a film franchise. We do not leave the theatre thinking we can fly, or perform magic. We understand the concept of fantasy.
Straight men tend not to have rape fantasies. However it is an (allegedly) popular fantasy among straight women. The reality is frightening and sick, but the fantasy (mostly around relinquishing control) appeals to some. That does not make those women sick. It means they have a healthy ability to compartmentalise fantasy and reality.
The importance of understanding this concept cannot be understated.
Screen goes black, but music continues.
THIS IS A FILM ABOUT THE INNER WORLD CHRONICLING OF THE SPACE BETWEEN PERVERSION & FANTASY
Living room. Ambient music. Rule of thirds applied to shot. Back of male head framed by a Screen he is facing. We shall call him Male 1. The screen is off. He is shaven headed and wears a grey vest. A door opens noisily. We hear an unseen male person call ‘mate’. Now the shot is showing the front of he head (face) we note Male 1 is approximately in his late forties maybe early fifties with a beard and moustache. Another man (Male 2) enters the shot. He is younger, Possibly in his late 30s. Shaggy haired, also with a beard and moustache. Green T-Shirt. He sits in front of the Male 1, taps his legs and says ‘I have just had the best idea for a new business’. We note the accent is Australian. Male 1 sniffs in distaste. Male 2 continues unabashed ‘You know how people like to make sex tapes?’. Male 1 just looks at Male 2 without expression. Male 2: ‘fuck. What’s this shit?’ He pauses the ambient music that we now see is coming from an iPhone. We can conclude that Male 1 was in fact meditating. Male 2: ‘Turn that shit off’. Male 1 looks offended and sniffs again looking ruefully at Male 2. Male 2: ‘We’ (pointing to himself and Male 1), ‘go into business together’. ‘Right’… ‘Making’. ‘Home’. ‘Porn’. He slaps Male 1 on the chest. Male 1 nods. Clearly confused but allowing Male 2 to continue. Male 2: ‘We go round to peoples houses with camera, lights and all the gear, and shoot sex tapes’. Male 2 grins at Male 1. He is obviously very pleased with this idea. Male 1 closes his eyes and speaks for the first time: ‘Why would anybody want to do that?’. We note he also has an Australian accent. Male 2: ‘Mate…people will love it’. Male 1: (unconvinced) ‘I wouldn’t’. Male 2 (incredulous) ‘yeah, but you’re a prude…mate…this…is a great idea…you sure you don’t want to get in on this?’ Male 2 slaps Male 1 on the chest again and says; ‘I came up with a name for the business’. He looks at Male 1 expectantly. Male 1 smiles resignedly. Male 2: ‘Are you ready?’ Male 1 grunts. Male 2: (drawing quotation marks in the air) ‘Home-o-Erotic..But’ (he looks pleased with himself) ‘the home-o is spelt h.o.m.e.o….home-o-erotic’. He slaps Male 1 again and jabs a finger at him. Male 2: ‘Get it?’. There is a pause. Male 1: (smirking) ‘Do you know what homo-erotic’ means?’. Male 2: (uncertainly) ‘yeah’. Male 1: ‘means…gay…(nodding now) like…gay sex’. Male 2: (incredulous) ‘really?’. Male 1: (nodding and smiling) ‘hmm’. Male 2: (disappointedly turning away) ‘Ah fuck….took me like an hour to come up with that’. Screen goes black.
I have never seen this before. Very funny. I like it.
Male 2 groans. L cut. Picture fades to a beach scene with some piano music. Missy has her back to us. She is some distance away close to some rocks. She is wearing a hat, and nothing else. She is unfolding a blanket. The shot is slowed down.
THERE ARE DUMB IDEAS
Male actor is saying ‘there are things out there that we don’t understand’. ‘We are always looking for answers’. Missy walks away from us. She appears to be walking towards a sheltered spot in the rocks where there is a bag. A blanket already laid on the sand, and a water bottle. The blanket she is carrying is being blown by the wind.
AND THEN THERE ARE SICK IDEAS
I was wondering whether to include one of my fantasies here. But this is about you, so I won’t.
‘We’ve only begun to scratch the surface’.
THINK ABOUT WHAT IS INSIDE YOUR IMAGINATION
Explosive sound effect. Female Actor is saying ‘I wanna know what happened to my daughter’.
WHAT IS THE MOST PERVERTED FANTASY YOU’VE EVER THOUGHT OF?
Yeah. I have a few.
Actor saying ‘humans are capable of very vile acts’. Female actor; ‘my bizarre dreams got weirder’. Male actor ‘what happened that day?’
THE ONE THAT WOULD CAUSE YOU THE MOST SHAME
IF ANYONE KNEW ABOUT IT
The music intensifies. Missy goes to lay the blanket down near the other blanket when the screen breaks up. Blank screen.
I’LL TELL YOU MINE
Female actor ‘what would happen if each of my secrets came out?’ (Indecipherable words). ‘The upside of letting go of your secrets, is that you will have a lot more freedom.
IT INVOLVES A CAR & A PETROL STATION
‘The downside of your secrets coming out…is punishment’. Screen changes to profile of a young looking girl (is that Missy?). ‘Stubborn Love’ by the Lumineers starts to play.
I USED TO PLAY-ACT ALL THE TIME
We see the girl from another angle. Her hair is blowing and we perceive she is sitting in a car. Dusty yellow colour palette.
FOR ONE THING
IT MEANT I COULD LIVE IN A MORE INTERESTING WORLD
We see a helicopter view of a road. The colour palette has not changed but this is a spotlit view of the road at night.
THAN THE ONE THAT WAS AROUND ME
The child wipes condensate from the window with her hand. We see a very cracked road from the helicopter again in spotlight. I think this is clever editing as sometimes the child looks very much like Missy. At other times it is clearly not her, but we are meant to assume they are one and the same.
FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE
I POSSESSED A SEETHING BRAIN
I like the word ‘seething’. Near Tower Hill, (where I worked for a while) there was a road called ‘Seething Lane’. It used to make me chuckle when I walked past it, I always wondered how it got the name.
Close up on the tar macadam repairs to the road. Cut to a forest scene where the trees are lit up in the dark. It looks like night. The colour palette remans a dusty yellow.
AND I PROCESSED SEXUAL THOUGHTS
INTO IMAGINED SHAPES AND ACTIONS
We see that the forest is littered with cable drums. The drone shot (the trees are not moving so this can only be a drone) moves among and above the trees in an almost negative sepia tone.
I WOULD FLY INTO A SEXUAL DIMENSION
The girl looks out of the car window.
WITH ABANDON. WITH HYSTERIA. ANY WAY I COULD
When you are young, sex is thrilling. I do remember some wild parties where lots of public sexual groping was going on. This was the 70s, so it was probably all non-consensual thinking about it. I remember hearing that a girl was gang banged at one, though I never witnessed it, thinking back I hope she was ok. But at that age, young and horny boys and girls, sexual things happened all the time. Now I am older I recognise that the sex was actually not very good. But who cared? We were experimenting with our bodies. But these are the things we remember. They are the fuel for our adult fantasies.
The scene cuts to a makeshift telegraph pole with the wires dangling uselessly off of it. The pole resembles a crucifix. It stands in pool of light surrounded by darkness. The colour palette remains dusty yellow.
SOMETIMES WE SEEK THAT WHICH WE ARE MEANT TO EXPERIENCE
Interior of car with rosary beads hanging from rear view mirror child looks away. Cut to ruffled sheet over which two hands seek each other then clasp together. Both are wearing bracelets. One is a smaller hand. Cut to negative view of a barn. The light is moving
AS I GOT OLDER, MY FANTASIES GREW PROGRESSIVELY DARKER
Shot of Child/Missy looking out of the car window.
BECAUSE I BEFRIENDED SHAME AND RIDICULE
THEY WERE THE PLACE
Shot of tree in the dark in a pool of light. The light continues to move, indicating travel.
WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MET THE RISING APE
I DANCED LIKE A PUPPET ON THE STRINGS OF MY IMAGINATION
SACCHARINE ADORATION WAS MY PRIZE
Very nice words. I particularly like ‘falling angel met the rising ape’. That describes the move into adulthood so well.
Close up on face of Child/Missy
THERE ARE MANY KINDS OF FANTASIES
BUT THEY ALL LEAD TO ONE
Child/Missy has drawn a crude stick figure of a rabbit on the steamed up window.
THE FANTASY THAT ALLOWS YOU TO ESCAPE
FANTASY IS A NECESSARY INGREDIENT IN LIVING
ITS A WAY OF LOOKING AT LIFE THROUGH THE WRONG END OF A TELESCOPE
I am not sure I get that analogy.
Child/Missy has opened the window and is leaning on the window sill. A woman (her mother) looks back at her. She smiles.
BY THE AGE OF 16
THEY WERE INTERTWINED WITH HEAT & THRILL
Screen goes black. Music continues.
AND THEY SET ME FREE
I WAS BORN WITH A TOOL
I WAS BORN WITH SEDUCTION IN MY DNA
SIT BACK AND LOOK AT THIS PRETTY DISTRACTION
WHILE I FILL YOUR MIND WITH MINE
Screen breaks up and we hear a number of beats while the picture cuts to Missy on the beach again. The palette is slightly pinker than before, but still quite sepia. Missy is wearing sunglasses and long sleeved T-Shirt and Jeans. Missy has clearly not put a bra on today. The film is slowed down. ‘Miss You’ by Clinic starts playing.
04.04.2006 BYRON BAY AUSTRALIA
That would make you about 24 years young.
Missy faces the camera and puts her hands behind her head. Her T-Shirt rides up to reveal her navel. She holds her hands in the air, and stretches her back. She knows this accentuates her breasts. She is aware. Its almost as if she wants you to look at them.
WHEN I LEFT THE BEACH THIS DAY
Camera pans round, and Missy pulls the shirt away from her body so that daylight can shine through showing the outline of her breasts as the sun shines through her clothes.
I DARED MYSELF TO NOT GET DRESSED
Now we see the back of Missy. She is looking down.
I WALKED UP TO MY CAR NAKED
The camera pans round. The T-Shirt is cheesecloth material and very light. We now see Missy in profile. The wind is plastering the T-Shirt to her body.
I WANTED TO DRIVE HOME NAKED. BECAUSE I NEVER HAD.
Driving home naked is now almost a porn genre on its own. I have seen a ton of film footage of this act alone. Driving through fast food counters naked. Stripping naked during a car wash. All good healthy stuff.
We are facing Missy now as she crosses her arms and starts to lift the hem of the T-Shirt.
ON THE WAY HOME, I REALISED MY CAR WAS ALMOST OUT OF PETROL
Missy’s breasts are bared to us.
SO I PULLED INTO THE MULLUMBIMBY SERVICE STATION
Missy’s head emerges from the T-Shirt which is discarded.
AND I GOT OUT AND FUELLED UP NAKED
Topless Missy is shown from above and below wearing just her jeans and sunglasses. The image is blurry.
I WAS NERVOUS WHEN I GOT OUT. OTHER DRIVERS WERE LOOKING AT ME
Blurry topless Missy pushes her jeans down her legs to leave herself naked on the beach.
SO I BENT OVER TO CHECK IF THE TANK WAS FULL
The tank was full.
Missy comes into sharp focus. Now standing. Posing naked on the beach.
WHEN I FINISHED, I WALKED CONFIDENTLY INTO THE PAY STATION
IT WAS BUSY SO I HAD TO STAND IN LINE
WHEN I GOT TO THE COUNTER. THE BOY AT THE COUNTER WAS AWESTRUCK.
The camera is panning round naked Missy to capture her from all angles.
I WENT TO PAY, BUT HE SAID ‘DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT’
The view is now of naked missy walking away further into the distance.
I SAID ‘THAT’S SO KIND OF YOU, HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU A TIP’
Close up of Missy’s face then chest then left breast.
I’LL LET YOU BITE MY NIPPLE AS PAYMENT
Close up of Missy’s vagina as she walks down the beach.
HE OPENED HIS MOUTH FOR THE FIRST BITE WITHOUT HESITATION
I get this. You are thinking of the term ‘sugar tits’.
Even closer repeat shot of face then left breast this time concentrating on the nipple.
ENVELOPING, SWALLOWING AND DIGESTING MY NIPPLE
Naked Missy walks towards, then away from the camera. Into the distance.
LOOKING AT ME HE SAID ‘THEY’RE VERY SWEET’
IVE BEEN TANNING THEM ALL DAY
I POKED THE NEXT SPOONFUL OF NIPPLE INTO HIS MOUTH
AND ANOTHER MOUTHFUL OF TOASTED NIPPLE GOES DOWN
Cut to Missy lying naked on the sand. Her legs are spread and we are looking up between them.
‘THEY TASTE LIKE SYRUP’ HE SAID
Cut to overhead shot of naked lying missy. Legs spread. Arms above her head.
WELL. YOU CAN’T GET THEM AT THE MARKET. THEY ONLY GROW WILD.
Cut to shot of naked Missy from between her legs looking up at her torso as she crouches.
HIS EYES WIDENED AS I CLAMPED MY HAND OVER THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
FORCING MY RIGHT BREAST INTO HIS MOUTH
There is very little I can add. This is a great fantasy.
Missy straightens up and we are shown a close up of her ass.
WHEN HE FINISHED SUCKING ON IT HE SAID ‘I THINK YOU’RE A FAIRY TALE’
Wide angle view of Missy’s breasts.
‘AND I HOPE YOU’LL LET ME BE IN YOUR FANTASY’
Wide angle view of Missy’s torso, She holds her hands discretely over her vagina.
SAY SOMETHING HE SAID
Missy’s hands drop away.
‘WHY?’ I REPLIED
‘BECAUSE I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN I AM HALLUCINATING’
YOU’RE NOT HALLUCINATING
The palette has changed again. This is an orange filtered video of Missy’s naked back, pulling back to show Missy looking down the beach with her hair whipped by the wind.
I JUST PUT SOME FORBIDDEN FRUIT WHERE YOU COULD TASTE IT
‘DO YOU THINK WE COULD BE FRIENDS?’ HE ASKED
Camera moves to the front of Missy again.
‘PROBABLY NOT’ I SAID ‘BUT WE CAN PRETEND’
Cut to clip from the Simpsons. Two Bikers approach a table where Marge and a Biker Chick are sitting. They address Marge; ‘Hey Baby. Feel like getting lucky?’. Marge’s eyes narrow. ‘I am Lucky’. The Biker gets angry and bangs the table; ‘Listen Baby, I always get what I want’. Screen goes black.
I am a fan of the Simpsons but have not seen them all. This one is lost on me. What is Marge doing there?
Cut to blurry scene of Missy in tartan skirt outside. We are looking up at her and can see some trees in the background. The colour palette is orange again. The film is sped up. It is full of jump cuts. Sometimes Missy is nude outlined against palm trees. Sometimes she is laying down. Sometimes she has a backdrop of trees. Most of the time she is naked. ‘You Cannot Call for Love Like a Dog’ is playing by Holy Holy.
THE LAST THING HE SAID TO ME WAS SWEET
HE SAID ‘I WILL ALWAYS BE WAITING FOR YOU’
‘TO BUY MORE PETROL’
Hmm. Good fantasy Missy. Like the public nudity leading to some sexual molestation with strangers that you wanted and encouraged.
Male fantasies (I should warn you) tend to not have much narrative.
We are back to the scene in the living room with the two males. Male 2: (disappointedly turning away) ‘Ah fuck….took me like an hour to come up with that’. Male 1 smiles his agreement the stretches his arms and neck groaning. Male 2: (scratching his beard) ‘There’s got to be…’ Suddenly dawning and face lit up he turns to Male 1, flicks his fingers and jabbing a finger and smiling (pleased with himself) says ‘Gary’s. Glitter. Productions.’ He thumps Male 1 on the chest again and says a positive ‘Hmm?’ Male 1 keeps his eyes closed. Arms behind his head and says ‘He was a pedo’. Male 2 looks on. His face showing a dawning realisation and says ‘Ah……yeah’. Male 1: ‘Hmmm, Hmmm’. Male 2 looks away. ‘Yeah’.
The scene cuts to a stock room of sorts with a male perusing some shelving that are crammed with old paper registers. The words ‘Depreciation’ and ‘Asset Summary’ with various dates from the 1980s are drawn on the spines. There is no soundtrack. He makes very little noise. There is silence.
EPILOGUE: THE FULL SICKO
The male comes into view. He looks to be in his 20s. He is wearing a white T-Shirt and his hair is shaved on the side but long on top. He pokes at the books obviously browsing.
HERE I LEAVE TODAY
AND I ENTER THE WORLD OF OBLIVIOUS SEXUAL DAYDREAMING
I WOULD BE AS UNBURDENED AS A PEICE OF DANDELION FLUFF
BY MY NUDITY IN A TRADITIONALLY NON-NAKED PLACE
IT IS THE FOURTH DAY OF APRIL 2006 AND TODAY,
I WILL MAKE SOMEONE USE ME FOR SEX
UNAFFECTED BY THE INCONVENIENCE OF DOING WHAT IS RIGHT
That is the point of fantasies. You live out an imaginary scene in a world that has no rules.
I WILL GIVE THEM A PEICE OF ME THAT THEY DID NOT ASK FOR
FOR THEY WERE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME
WHEN THEIR FUEL GUAGES CALLED THEM
TO A SIGHTING OF A SICKO
The male has wandered down a corridor into an auditorium or classroom? of sorts there is a folded chair. He approaches it.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT YOU OUT OF YOUR RETAIL MISERY?
I’VE BEEN DOWN AT THE BEACH TANNING MY NIPPLES
WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME?
PERHAPS YOU MIGHT CONSIDER BITING THEM AS A FORM OF PAYMENT?
HE OPENED HIS MOUTH FOR THE FIRST BITE WITHOUT HESITATION
ENVELOPING THEM. SWALLOWING THEM. DIGESTING THEM
THEN HE FROWNED SLIGHTLY. “THEY’RE VERY SWEET”
YES, I CALL TEHM SUGAR BERRIES
HAVEN’T YOU EVER HEARD OF THEM BEFORE?”
Perhaps it is me, but the thought of someone eating your tits is weird.
AS I POKED THE NEXT SPOONFUL OF NIPPLE INTO HIS MOUTH
NOTHING WAS LOST AND EVERYTHING WAS TRANSFORMED
ANOTHER MOUTHFUL OF NIPPLE DISAPPEARS
HIM: THEY’RE AS SWEET AS SYRUP
ME: WELL, YOU CANT GET THEM AT THE MARKET, THEY ONLY GROW WILD AT THE BEACH
HIS EYES WIDEN AS I CLAMP MY HAND OVER THE BACK OF HIS HEAD
FORCING HIM TO SUCK IN MY RIGHT BREAST WHOLE
The male has selected a folded chair and opens it out onto the floor. He picks up a Fender Stratocaster (black body, maple neck with rosewood fretboard) guitar and sits on the chair he has unfolded. We see he is wearing white trousers.
HIM: I THINK YOU’RE A FAIRY TALE
AND I HOPE YOU’LL LET ME BE IN YOUR FULLY SICK FANTASY
HIM: BY THE WAY, ARE YOU CRAZY?
ME: HOW VERY PERCEPTIVE OF YOU
HIM: WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
ME: SECOND TO THE RIGHT, AND THEN STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING
Peter Pan reference. Right there.
THE MAN BEHIND ME SLAPPED MY ARSE
IT IS THE LOVELIEST THING TO BE SLAPPED ON THE ARSE FOR NO REASON
In a fantasy.
IT BRIGHTENS THE SKY
I BENT OVER ENCOURAGING HIM TO DO IT AGAIN
THIS TIME A GROUP OF THE MEN IN THE LINE BEHIND ME
SLAPPED ME ENCOURAGINGLY
I WALKED OVER AND LOOKED THE CASHIER IN THE EYE
HE RAISED HIS EYEBROWS
AND LOOKED AT ME AS IF HE WERE SOME BIZARRE SPECIES OF INSECT
A naked woman encouraging a crowd of horny males to slap her?
The male has started singing while playing the guitar. I recognise the voice, but I do not know who this is. He sings well.
HIM: WHO WOULD YOU BE BUT WHO YOU ARE?
I AM A WILD THING AND I ACT ACCORDING TO MY NATURE
WHAT IS THE POINT OF BEING YOUNG AND NUBILE
IF YOU CAN’T FLAUNT IT DISGRACEFULLY
THE SEVICE ATTENDANT HAD NEVER ENCOUNTERED THIS SITUATION BEFORE
THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE CUSTOMER SERVICE TRAINING MANUAL
THAT REMOTELY PREPARED HIM FOR THIS
See now this level of detail just wouldn’t be in a male fantasy.
HIS VOICE FELL TO A WHISPER
CASH OR CARD?
I DON’T HAVE EITHER
AS YOU CAN SEE, I DO NOT HAVE THE BENEFITS OF POCKETS, BUT I HAVE THESE
HE LOOKED VAGUELY EMBARRASSED AS I PUSHED MY BREASTS TOWARDS HIM
‘SUCK ON THESE’ I SAID’ – BUT I SUGGEST YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH
AT LEAST SUFFOCATION WILL HELP PASS THE TIME FOR YOU
THE SILENT CALL OF THE MATING BOND PROVOKED HIM INTO ACTION
A MAN IN THE QUEUE CAME UP BEHIND ME
AND SLIPPED HIS HAND BETWEEN MY LEGS
HIS FINGERS SLID INTO ME EFFORTLESSLY
AND FILLED MY VAGINA WITH DIGITAL PENETRATION
This is strange, but I am now stuffing popcorn into my mouth like Michael Jackson in Thriller.
HE LEANED OVER AND WHISPERED
‘YOUR HEART DIDN’T HEAL STRAIGHT THE LAST TIME IT BROKE’
‘SO, WE’LL BREAK IT AGAIN AND RESET IT SO IT HEALS STRAIGHT THIS TIME
HE KNEW ME, AND WAS SPEAKING OF
THE CONNECTION I THOUGHT I HAD WITH SOMEONE
WHICH WAS MISALIGNED, SKEWED, OFF KILTER – AND GOT TAINTED WITH NEED
THE SEX WAS JUST WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE
A SEARCH PARTY LOOKING FOR INTIMACY, WHILE RECOVERING FROM TOXICITY
I WAS LETTING GO OF HOLDING ON TO THINGS THAT WERE NOT GOOD FOR ME
LIKE THIS PERSON
In the middle of the fantasy you have psychoanalysed yourself. Only you Missy.
I HEARD THE WHIRL OF THE CROWD BEHIND ME
MEN LIVING IN A REALITY THAT WAS NOT FORBIDDEN FOR THEM
THEY WERE RECEPTIVE TO VULGARITY AND INEXHAUSTIBLE FANCY
THEY WERE GROWING INTO THEIR MANHOOD, AND OUTGROWING THEIR OLD IDEALS
AS THEY SHATTERED INTO FRAGMENTS
I HAD SET THEIR BLOOD BOILING
WHILE SO LUXURIOUSLY DECEIVING THEM WITH INNOCENCE
WHEN ALL THE HURLYBURLY WAS DONE
THIS FANTASY REMINDED ME OF WHAT I TRULY WAS
A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE
FOR THE PROMOTION OF ACCEPTABLE SEXUAL GROPING IN PUBLIC
If only. Except only half the population would enjoy it. The other half would be traumatised.
IF SOMETHING IS THERE, YOU CAN ONLY SEE IT WITH YOUR EYES OPEN
BUT IF IT ISN’T THERE, YOU CAN SEE IT JUST AS WELL WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED
YOU MUST LET WHAT HAPPENS HAPPEN
NEVER HAVE I SO WISHED THERE WAS A WAY
FOR ME TO SHOW I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH
HE WOULD NOT LET THE ROAD END HERE
HIM: DO YOU THINK WE CAN BE FRIENDS?”
ME: PROBABLY NOT. BUT WE CAN PRETEND
MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW IT ALL TURNED OUT
MAYBE IT’S ALL PART OF A GREAT BIG INEFFABLE PLAN
ALL OF IT
YOU, ME, HIM, EVERYTHING
Blues Brothers reference. Right there.
The young male is now joined by a young woman. She is also dressed only in white and she has unfeasibly long false nails on with a knuckle duster array of hardware rings. She sings in duet with him. I have no idea who this is.
SOME GREAT BIG TEST TO SEE IF WHAT I’VE BUILT WORKS PROPERLY
YOU START THINKING: IT CAN’T BE A GREAT COSMIC GAME OF CHESS,
IT HAS TO BE JUST A COMPLICATED GAME OF SOLITAIRE
True. Fantasies are designed for consumption by one. When shared (as yours is) they become art.
THE LAST THING HE EVER SAID TO ME WAS
I ALWAYS BE WAITING FOR YOU
TO BUY MORE PETROL
FANTASY IS ESCAPIST, AND THAT IS ITS GLORY
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN THE MIND IS DEALT SUCH A BLOW
IT HIDES ITSELF IN FANTASY
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN REALITY IS NOTHING BUT PAIN
AND TO ESCAPE THAT PAIN THE MIND MUST LEAVE REALITY BEHIND
CLOSED IN MY MIND
MY IMAGINATION BECAME THE UNIVERSE
AND THE REST OF THE WORLD MISSED OUT
ON THE DEPRAVITY THAT I CREATED IN MY HEAD
I wonder. Do people fantasise purely to escape a horrible existence? I am not sure.
The young man and the young woman are seen singing together now.
WHEN YOU COMPARE THE SORROWS OF REAL LIFE
TO THE PLEASURES OF THE IMAGINARY ONE
YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO LIVE AGAIN, ONLY TO DREAM FOREVER
WHEN YOU LOVE A FANTASY
YOU MOVE INSIDE IT LIKE A POEM CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM –
THE GUTTERS OVERFLOWING WITH FILTH
The young couple are now singing into each others faces.
I FELT A BIT BETTER FOR SOME REASON, I FELT A BIT REALER
LIKE THE PHYSICS OF EMOTION AND BIOLOGY
TANGLED IN AN EVOLUTIONARY MOMENT
TIME IS PRESSURE
THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT CANNOT REGRESS INTO NOTHINGNESS
We should learn to live in the now. It is the most positive state of being.
THERE IS ONLY ONE QUESTION TO ASK
WHAT KIND OF FISH IS THIS, THAT CANNOT BE DROWNED?
THE BIRTH OF CONSCIOUSNESS, AND THE FAILURE OF INTELLECT
BEWARE THE WISDOM NOT EARNED
WHEN EXHIBITIONISM BECOMES AN EXTREME SPORT
AND AN ABRSTACT COPING MECHANISM
THAT FILLS A TOWN’S GOSSIP
There is more to that story.
I WAS BORN WITH A TOOL
I WAS BORN WITH SEDUCTION IN MY DNA
I GOT WORRIED IT WASN’T WORKING
WHEN ALL THE MEN IN THE WORLD DID NOT FALL AT MY FEET
I think this is common. But I am not sure. Boys struggle with the concept of worrying we will never be given the opportunity to make a girl do dirty things. Some of us never get the chance. Some do. That is the lottery of life.
WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER.
OLDER NOW. WISER NOW.
WHEY YOU HAVE POWER,
YOU’RE NOT THE ONE TO SAY ENOUGH NOW, ENOUGH.
WHEN YOU HAVE THE POWER, YOU WON’T ASK WHO DOESN’T
TELL ME NOW, WHY DO I SCARE YOU?
WHAT HURT DO I CREATE?
WHOSE WORLD IS SMALLER BECAUSE I EXIST?
These are existential questions. You are straying beyond fantasy and into a deeper conversation with yourself.
I CAN’T FIGURE THOSE QUESTIONS OUT
I CAN’T ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS WITH ANY SEMBLANCE OF RATIONALITY,
BECAUSE I SEE THE WORLD THE WAY I WAS TAUGHT TO
A BOY I KNEW FROM SCHOOL
CAUGHT UP WITH ME AS I WALKED TO THE CAR
HE SAID ‘A BUNCH OF GUYS THAT I KNEW FROM SCHOOL
WERE GOING TO THE BEACH HOTEL AT BYRON BAY, AND DID YOU WANT TO COME?’
OF COURSE I SAID YES
‘WHY DON’T WE GO IN YOUR CAR’
OF COURSE HE AGREED
HE THOUGHT I WOULD GET DRESSED,
BUT I JUST PARKED MY CAR AND WALKED OVER TO HIS CAR NAKED
THEY SQUEEZED ME IN THE BACK SEAT WITH THREE BOYS FROM MY YEAR
THEY WERE VERY COMPLIMENTARY, SAYING THEY HAD WATCHED ME FROM THE OUTSIDE
‘THANK YOU BOYS’ I SAID – BUT NOW, I’M SO HORNY THAT I GOING TO EXPLODE
I NEED OT MAKE MYSELF COME RIGHT NOW
I HOPE I DON’T OFFEND YOU, BUT YOU CAN WATCH IF YOU WANT
This feels more like a male fantasy.
SO, WE DROVE OFF TO THE BEACH HOTEL
WITH MY LEGS SPREAD INTO THE FRONT SEAT OF THE CAR
AND THE BOYS IN THE BACK FOR MORAL SUPPORT,
AND TO HELP ME GET ALL THESE ORGASM’S OUT OF MY BODY
Yes this fantasy is very male.
WE ARRIVED AT THE HOTEL BY THE BEACH
FOR AN AFTERNOON OF DRINKING AND SHENANIGANS
THE TYPE OF SHENANIGANS THAT HAPPEN
WHEN 7 BOYS YOU KNOW CONVINCE YOU TO GO INTO THE PUB NAKED
BECAUSE THEY WILL ALL STAND AROUND YOU AND HIDE YOU, UNTIL THEY DON’T
AND EVERYONE WANTS A PEICE OF YOU
THAT’S WHEN THE FUN REALLY STARTED
IT WAS THE BEST AFTERNOON OF MY LIFE
TO BE CONTINUED
This film explored the concept of fantasy well. Thanks Missy. It works for me.
Thank you for sharing your fantasy. It was a brilliant piece of storytelling. The cliffhanger at the end was brilliant as the final fantasy became more male oriented. Another cold shower for me I think.
Maybe it is a sick world. But I think this film will be popular. I guess whether that is a good thing or a bad thing depends on the message.
Until next time.