by producer Alan Rogers in London

I watched each of the ‘shorts’ you produced pretty soon after they were presented. I confess to revisiting the site a few times to see if new ones were available, so I may have added a few fractions of a percent to your 600% increase in website traffic attributed to these short versions of a Missy Jubilee film.

I was under the impression that xFilms was a limitless project. That it would continue until you decided to do something else.

I was also convinced that your main projekt was now over. An incomplete masterpiece of video artistry. I confess to being relieved that at least the last point appears to be false

This ‘short’ feedback is intended to show how I interpreted the film (meaning), whether I personally enjoyed the film or not (value), and how the film made me feel (impact).

X1 – Daemon

This is one of your poems. A rather beautiful example set to heavy rock. A personal favourite line is ‘as I billow on the universal washing line’. There is the ‘hallmark’ humour in the ‘Adult Swim’ cutaways, and the visuals are ‘missyrotic’ a sexplicit sequence hot enough to make tea on, without being contrived.

Meaning: I think that the poem is about historical guilt and how to cope with it.

Value: I very much liked the short; its length is perfect for shocking visuals, rocking sounds and cutting words. In this way, the fact that it is a short, adds value.

Impact: I was amused. Entertained rather than aroused….well… maybe slightly aroused if I’m being

strictly honest. Made me want to see more, though.

X2 – No Peace

This feels like a sigh. The words string together like a self-analysis conversational piece. The visuals are a selfie moving at times towards gynaecological self examination (more of which later from memory). Soulful music hits like a gospel choir singing about the injustices of life but concluding that life is about hope.

Meaning: The self-analysis of the artist in doubt of her own worth.

Value: There is catharsis in a good moan, we all relate. I did not hate the film, nor love it. Impact: The soulful mood and rather melancholy words left me sombre.

X3 – Succubus

First of all, let’s get this straight; I love Flight of the Conchords. I went to see them ‘live’ in London; Listened to the Radio Show (based in London) long before the HBO series set in New York. It is incredible (having listened to them a lot) how much mainstream music sounds utterly absurd. The film visuals kick the eroticism up a notch with you apparently half asleep (sex drunk or stoned?) using a vibrator as a pacifier. The colour tone is warholesque in stunning reds and yellows. The written words are back to being poetic. The music chugs along with jolly hope until you listen to the lyrics (never liked ’seasons in the sun’ personally).

Meaning: A kick on from ‘X2 – No Peace’, the answer is told as a joke. ‘But you’d probably still have to keep your normal job’

Value: The inclusion of FOTC made me laugh. The film is visually stunning but the words are cutting. Impact: Strangely wistful. I laughed, but felt almost bad doing so.

X4 – Ladyfiddle

This film reads like a statement. There are the words that appear to describe the Projekt sat on the other side of the hyperlink. There are the visuals of a carefree wank under blue skies with sunglasses to hide your fluttering eyelids. Then there is ‘Ocean’ by Ren, (Beating it like Billy Jean… genius) a frankly inspired piece for a soundtrack.

Meaning: An introduction for those who need it, to the loose topic of the main project; the sexual exploration of self as a media theme. I intentionally paraphrase here; the full meaning of your main project has evolved over the years (in my opinion) into in-depth investigations into the human psyche, but never strays far from the psychology of human sexuality.

Value: Nothing here to dislike. Feels like a carefree summers day. Some words are barbed, but you can’t run through the tall grass without a little whipping.

Impact: Engagement, mild arousal, relaxed vibes.

X5 – Knock Knock

This starts with a fist smashing a mirror, then dissolves into an alternative music video to ‘Dirty Paws’ by ‘Of Monsters And Men’. The visuals are of you naked (except for collar and leash) strolling around a home (presumably yours) carrying out everyday chores under what seems like direction (presumably from Max), whist the lyrics to the song are displayed at the bottom of the screen. The lyrics are a narrative about a war between the birds and the bees involving forest animals. It could be interpreted

as a metaphor for human war, given current hostilities in Europe.

Meaning: I took this to be an edgy statement on war. The visuals being a slight curve-ball but possibly imagining internal battles, fought between conscience and desire.

Value: I enjoyed this film very much, it is a beautiful song (that I had not heard before) and is sympathetically displayed.

Impact: Entertained, educated and questioning.

X6 – Goth as Fuck

This film is an explanation or reasoning as to what makes you tick. There is the questioning of societal norms, as if there are such things. The reasoning that whatever is considered normal is not for you (a fact pretty obvious to anyone who has seen your films). Then the image of you walking about naked, posing and spreading for the camera. But the original film must have seemed too explicit to release. So you have softened the tone, blurred the image at times, included a 35mm film effect, and washed the colours, until the result is a slightly abstract view of you. The soundtrack is a re-working of Norman Greenbaum’s ’Spirit in the Sky’ by Evol Walks. It rocks along while the poetry considers. Plus some stop motion Star Wars cartoons that made me choke with laughter.

Meaning: You are marking your territory as someone who defies convention. Value: Loved this film, you seem so carefree in it.

Impact: Entertained, engaged, and sorry the film was so short.

X7 – Chumbucket

Starts with an explanation of the word (which most of us have never heard of), a sketch where the word ‘chumbucket’ is considered hugely offensive. Which is quite amusing but not laugh out loud amusing.

Then heads via a beautifully coloured and rendered curtain of blonde hair, into a masturbation video over which the topic of how much influence we have over each other is discussed. Music by Placebo (For what I’ts Worth). The film ends with people getting extremely angry with each, high on drugs other before we see someone blowing their brains out.

Meaning: I believe this to be a discussion on influence. The influence of a partner, The influence of a drug and the influence of society.

Value: I did not enjoy this film particularly. There is a lot of anger in it. Impact: Shock and Horror.

X8 – Choices

The actorJames Spader has got about a bit. Outrageously creepy in ‘Crash’ where he famously fucks the open leg wound of Holly Hunter’s character. Beautifully restrained, then completely inappropriate as the boss of a self harming damaged woman played by Maggie Gyllenhaal in ‘Secretary’. Here he pops up as a super ‘baddie’ in Blacklist, looking very intimidating over Coolio’s ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’. But then we are back into a masturbation video/gynaecological examination. The camera is on extreme close-up, so that every pore, every pubic hair every curl of flesh around the clitoris is seen in vivid detail. A far cry from the softening used in ‘Goth as Fuck’. The text describes a hypothetical situation where you become

a greetings card writer; to warn and educate. The film ends with FOTC discussing how musical cards work.

Meaning: The vehicle of the film is to discuss your personal greeting card message.

Value: I neither loved nor hated this film. I am not a fan of extreme close ups of any part of the human anatomy, but sometimes the image is abstract enough to be very creative. I (of course) applaud the inclusion of FOTC.

Impact: Amusement.

X9 – Secrets

This is a film about playing. About getting some props out, in this case your collar, leash and blindfold, then spending some fun time pulling the chain of the leash between your legs, among (presumably) other things. The liberation is palpable. This is playtime savoured. Sweet Dreams is not sung here by Annie Lennox and the Eurythmics, but by Stereo Express. A very good cover albeit very much like the original. Comic relief is given by those Star Wars clay figures gain (papa palpatine? Brilliant) Meaning: This proves you are a girl who enjoys a bit of subversion.

Value: The film is short but sweet. Impact: Frustrated for more.

X10 – Darkness

The film starts with V for Vendetta masks. synonymous with anonymous. It then turns into an alternative music video for ‘Meet Me in the Woods’ by Lord Huron, where the lyrics are shown around a voyeuristic (distance) view of you in the garden having a leisurely wank in the sunshine. You are naked (naturally), and comfortable on multiple pillows. The video is colour drained, in sepia tones, the camera hardly moves, apart from a slight move to the right as the video concludes.

Meaning: I think the words to this song are important to you. Have you looked into they abyss and did it change you? The comedy comes from the opening lines of Monty Python’s lumberjack sketch.

Value: I liked the song very much. Impact: Dreamy and calming.

X11 – Paranoia

A slightly creepy start showing a female cyborg being assembled. The main part of the film is a collection of video effects around a naked selfie shot you have taken of yourself. The words describe how the well of depression and regret can be very deep indeed. Music by Gangstagrass (You Can Never Go Home Again).

Meaning: This seems like a cry from the soul. A stream of consciousness, that describe how difficult it is to climb a well from the bottom up when you are already exhausted from treading water.

Value: The video is crafted piece of art. Impact: Soulful and sad.

X12 – Thumbfuckery

The film starts with you presenting your collar and lead to max. I have no idea if this was a signal that you wanted to play, or whether this was directed, but the film then moves on to max taking the lead (literally) then grasping you from behind. The film pays homage to Max and his film-making abilities, whilst you enjoy his other talents, and his footage of you is undeniably erotic. The talent though, is yours to own. Do not short change yourself as a partner, muse and visionary film-maker yourself. Plenty of the current canon is self shots, and the max filmed parts are often chopped and modified by you to make them less explicitly harsh. The original concept foundation was laid very squarely by your man, but all you see above the ground floor is yours, and what a tower you have built.

Meaning: A love letter of sorts.

Value: That rarest of things; a romantic erotic film Impact: Made me smile.

X13 – Stella

The film is subtitled ‘a conversation with my schizophrenic alter ego’. The conversation starts before the subtitle is known so the we have to be wary of this information, however the purpose of the conversation appears to be to confess how manipulating you can be. This is a Ricky Gervais tactic; saying something like ‘some people think you are a manipulative, greedy, needy, slut……………………………………………………………………………………….. not me obviously,

but you know what some people are like. ’. (rolls eyes). This is all over a rapid jump shot montage of

naked you (do you ever wear clothes?) getting familiar with yourself. As you do. Meaning: Self deprecation disguised as a conversation with yourself.

Value: Enjoyed this in places, but not the theme. Impact: Mild frustration.

X14 – The Happy Joy of Denial

The voyeur shot of you masturbating in the garden are back. They are colour drained into black and white now. The conversational tone of the subtitles take us back into reflective mood. This is another conversation with yourself, but told as a narrative. You hint at regrets, you consider your past as something you would rather forget rather than re-live. So we assume that you consider yourself as blameworthy of something. I adore the line ‘my brain has too many tabs open’. That is a nugget of a line. The strong hint that you wish you had never started the project is taken. It is a sad confession but understandable given the effort you have expended. The piece ends with you laying naked on the shore: I have another confession to make. I admit to thinking that the shots of you lying naked on the shoreline, damp sand in your hair, letting the waves caress your wide open legs is the most erotic thing I have ever seen in my life. I recognise we are all triggered by different scenarios and situations, mine is witnessing female public nudity in general (which says volumes about my repressive victorian upbringing), but there is something quite beautiful and arousing about your abandonment in these shots. Any brief resurgence or clip (as in this case) of this scenario gets to me.

Meaning: Self reflection and masturbation. Value: I liked this one very much.

Impact: Intrest and arousal.

X15 – Invictus

So given my words above, having a whole xFilm dedicated to this scenario would normally be enough to send me skyward. However, the shots are given an orange colour palette; with the colours amplified so high as to distort the video. The effect is such that the eroticism (that I still feel being pushed through) is distilled, which I am pretty sure was your intention. Any intervention by Max is also cut, understandably (given the length of the film). The subtitles start with the battle cry poem by William Ernest Henley.

Then your additional poem takes his cry and runs with them; A warning that you are defiant in the face of societal judgement. A cry that I rally behind. Society can go fuck itself. I know this is not your words now but here’s my response: I want a world where men can be men, with all their sexist pomp and rutting animal testosterone driven crap, but men have to start taking responsibility for their less intelligent brothers; the ones who harass and sexually abuse women because they are more powerful. I pray it happens soon. I don’t want men to be further emasculated by media and society because of a few morons who can’t keep their dicks in their pants. Gentlemen have a code; they need to learn it, although women are often considered as prey to men, they should not feel like prey. They should feel desired, but able to rebuff any unwanted advance without fear. Rant over. Anyway I hope you are not offended by my old fashioned views.

Meaning: A rant at society. Value: I love this film.

Impact: Arousal, and consideration of your views.

X16 – Martyr

This film starts with a statement about artistry, and the role of the creative. In my experience we are all creative in some form or other. There are people who are creative with numbers or programming language, there are scientists who experiment creatively as well as for proof. But of course not everybody is seen as an artist. To be viewed in such a way is to display to the world (or at least a subset of the world) an ability to create something that will be of sufficient interest as to make the audience want more. The film starts with a kitchen drama of some kind I am unfamiliar with, but then leads on to a long forgotten shot (from Cream’d) of someone (Max?) squirting suncream all over your naked body, playing particular attention to your erogenous zones. I had also forgotten how erotic this sequence is. It is close to being as hot as the shoreline submission. The conversational subtitles seem to continue the theme of the last theme in a way; this appears to be a discussion about how your father thought psychology was fraudulent. To live with a male is to learn to be accepting of fate. That we (men) are hard to live with. Our views are often contradictory and confusing. We are suspicious of anything do not understand.

Meaning: Sometimes you can’t rely on help from others. You just have to just help yourself. Value: I very much enjoyed this film.

Impact: Arousal and thought provoking.

X17 – Skinflicks

The theme continues. This film starts with a couple of men discussing penis size.

The film then fades into a black and white video of you outside. And…. ‘gasp’…. you are wearing clothes..

The images are superimposed with a balding man staring at the screen. We watch as you strip down to your natural state (naturally). Video effects abound, with the colour palette changing from blues to yellow hues occasionally, with cartoon images thrown in to emphasise your point about cinema and art. You lay back on a sun lounger and the film cuts to you inside, blindfolded wearing your collar and chain. A male hand appears (Max?) and we watch (as the balding man watches) as it strokes and squeezes you all over your naked body; pinching your nipples and inserting a vibrator into your pussy. The slight of hand game is retold, purely because the video is so dark that at first glance we might miss the male hand reaching and grasping the vibrator, and miss how smoothly it is inserted.

Meaning: This is a film about sex. No question. Value: Achingly erotic.

Impact: Arousal

X18 – The Jungle

The film starts with a violent exchange between two criminals and the retelling of the origin of the phrase ‘the laws of the jungle’. I am not sure if you are implying that wolves are men and bears are women in this metaphor. Anyway the core of the film is artistically shot between sand grass strands looking up you wandering around the beach naked, wearing nothing but a chain around your neck. It looks like this film is a selfie, but I have seen similar footage shot by Max. The film ends with the same criminal asking his girl out on a date only for the tables to suddenly turn on him.

Meaning: Sometimes relationships have skirmishes. Sometimes full blown wars, but no side is ever 100% blameless.

Value: Entertained.

Impact: Shock and awe.

X19 – Whiptease

This film opens with an American comedienne explaining porn addiction. Then it cuts to a scene from ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ where Grey introduces the submissive Anastasia to his ‘play’ room. I then cuts to a very grainy shot of you blindfolded, and handcuffed to restrain you whilst being whipped with a horse whip directly onto your nipples and pussy, the most sensitive and therefore painful parts of your body. You thrash about to avoid the blows. The whip is then dropped and you are fingered (presumably to orgasm) all to ‘Whip It’ by Devon. The end of the film shows the comedienne talking about wanting anal sex. As you do.

Meaning: This is a film about the role pain plays in sex, particularly from a female perspective. Value: The music is borderline comedic (back to FOTC), but the visuals are red hot.

Impact: Entertained and Fascinated. Agog.

X20 – Religion

The film starts with a suggestion of drugs and travel, probably both. The next thing we see is a card from

a hotel being placed near a window. This is classic footage from your stay in Perth (for those of us who are aware). Then there is a shot of you in the tub. (My memory of this visit is of you exposing yourself at the window). You take a fairly normal bath to ‘Hollywood’ by Art vs Science The subtitles tell of an affair you had, and how it ended. You seem pretty complacent about it. Discussing desire from a backdrop of indifference. The film ends with the window and the card again, but a bottle of water appears to be placed for reasons unknown.

Meaning: The film questions the meaning of relationships that we develop and crush. Value: I enjoyed the film but got lost on the words a bit.

Impact: Neither liked or disliked this. Kind of numb afterwards.

X21 – Disco Shit

This film opens with a shot of Johnny Depp almost unrecognisable with long hair. It seems the drug theme is continuing. The main shot is a very grainy low light shot of naked you taking drugs in your home. I assume you were in almost darkness when the video was taken, lit only by a television or subdued lighting of some sort. Anyway the drugs are consumed and we do not see what happens as an aftermath, but dancing is implied.

Meaning: A sombre consideration of the classic drugs and sex combo.

Value: It is a film that made me think, so I found it more interesting than entertaining.

Impact: I did not like this film as much as I would have liked to. Perhaps it needs a few re-visits.

X22 – Voyeurism

I do not know where you got the clip that starts this film or even who the three guys are. Is it a YouTube channel? My bad. Anyway you consider the purpose of voyeurism as a sexual kink in your subtitles; hypothesising the the voyeur gets a sense of power from the unwitting exchange. It gets me wondering, what is voyeurism? I have always considered it to have a non-consensual element, an intrusion of privacy. But if you are spying on an exhibitionist who knows you are spying on them… I guess it depends on who is the kinkster; the voyeur or the exhibitionist? I think I kind of accept your perceived conclusion, that a voyeur looking at an exhibitionist is an audience. You strut around a hotel room in New Zealand wearing nothing but a hotel bathrobe, which you soon divest yourself of. It’s alright by Caj Morgan plays, until a very creepy scene from a horror movie, then someone saying ‘whack’ a lot.

Meaning: The link between exhibitionism, voyeurism and entertainment is explored. Value: I liked this film very much.

Impact: Entertained. Happy.

X23 – Depravity

The batman comedic start gives way to a treatise on the Milgram experiments on the persuasiveness of authority. The core film considers a fantasy about being free-use for a group of men to do what they like with without consequence for a whole weekend. You imagine you would be continually fisted. This subtitle is shown whilst you writhe on a bed with someone (Max?) putting as many fingers into you as he can. The pumping music comes from Rudimental (Feel the Love). A recurring theme of erotic literature (I

have come across it many times) is of a girl being the only female of a boy gang of friends and getting to a sexually aware age before generally becoming the boys sexual plaything (willingly) leading numerous gang bangs and ultimately to an adulthood trying to recreate that depravity. You have hinted this happened to you, but not explicitly. Since it is hard sometimes to separate fact from fiction, I tend to imagine everything to be true and real. Why not? It is more arousing to me. I fear no judgement either. Meaning: Fantasy and Reality collide, submissive tendencies.

Value: Very real, very erotic.

Impact: Arousing and Awe inspiring, pain and lust mixed.

X24 – Silver Lining

Taken from the beautiful song by First Aid Kit. An apt song in this case. This is another film taken from a hotel. A selfie. First walking (clothed) on the beach. Eyes darting around. Conscious of the people that are you are sharing the beach with. Then we see you on the balcony of your hotel. The sun is setting and you have unbuttoned your shirt to reveal your naked form beneath the shirt to the world. You move about the balcony to get the best light on your breasts. The words are all about loyalty. You consider that a person who is loyal only to the one who pays the most is a whore. You words seem to imply ownership of the term (you are either a mercenary or a whore, and you claim to not be a mercenary).

However, at no point have you ever discussed monetary transactions or even payment ‘in kind’ to anyone else, so I do not agree with your view synopsis. It ends in a discussion about what love is. Meaning: Another conversational piece where you talk to Max across this medium, questioning your motives in your relationship with him.

Value: The film is beautiful. A selfie, no doubt and personal as fuck. I almost do not want to put a value on it, but for me I found it introspective and calming, possibly driven by the music as much as the visuals. Impact: Sad and reflective.

X25 – The Others

The two nerdy guys are back. This time talking to a woman about sex robots. She seems concerned that sex with robots will eventually replace human sexual behaviour. As if. The ‘others’ in question turn out to be women who are into ‘love bombing’; making someone fall in love with you by lavishing affection that they are pretending rather than feeling. Manipulative much. The film stars you in the shower, paying particular attention to wash all the right places, given that the camera is winking at you though the glass. Music is Crush by Ethel Cain. The film ends with some sci-fi, not sure what it is. I recently watched the ‘invasion of the bodysnatchers’ 1956 film. It was actually quite good in a black and white ‘B’ film sort of way. Reminded me a bit of that.

Meaning: The film serves as a warning against love bombing. Value: I very much enjoyed this film

Impact: Entertained and educated.

X26 – Eurydice

This starts with someone who sounds like nerdwriter’s Evan Puschack, but I am not sure if it is. Then

with a sweep of piano replacing Gilmour’s exquisite guitar line intro to ‘Wish you were here’ (one of my favourite Floyd tracks) played here by Sparklehorse & Thom Yorke. You laying naked in the garden under suns rays, soaking up vitamin D and showing off to the camera. The text reads like a letter from you, to possibly, and most probably Max. Though this is implicit rather than explicit. A confession. A confession that you are incapable of accepting love, only giving it. It ends on a comedic note with a rant about charity ribbons.

Meaning: The self diagnosis of your psyche? (maybe you are not self diagnosing, but repeating what you have been told?).

Value: The film had me gripped to the end. Impact: Sadness.

X27 – The Watcher

A play on words from the Witcher, which start this film off. Then with a beat played out on the hi-hat, we are off to the beach to watch you masturbate. With Feel It Still being played live by Portugal the Man. I really like this song. You make the bold statement that (some) women masturbate to prove they do not need men. Is this true? I find it doubtable. Surely the pull of the orgasm is what drives anyone to masturbate. I cannot believe there is such a thing as a protest wank. You admit to liking to have an audience to your self-pleasuring. I wonder if this is an exhibitionist, or humiliation high, but to be honest the point is moot when you make the joke about seeing you wank made your ‘watcher’ wank too. The issue of whether your films are meant to arouse comes to mind. Some do more than others, I am not sure if you are intentionally pushing the fader of eroticism up and down.

Meaning: The dichotomy of showing naked arousal whilst having the Witcher talk about the evils of the world, and discussing voyeurism.

Value: Enjoyed very much. Impact: Thought provoking.

X28 – I. Submissive

The film starts with the awful 50 shades of Grey. I say awful only because I did not enjoy any of the films (though admittedly I watched them all). The scenes show Anastasia considering a relationship built on her submissiveness to Christian Grey, a handsome Irish billionaire with a god awful American accent who will cater for her every need and bring her to orgasm after orgasm providing she lets him take his dominant aggression out on her. Anastasia considers the contract she is being asked to sign. The words arouse her, as she likes to be submissive, but they terrify her because they take away her freedom for independent thought. You argue that the removal of that freedom is what makes being a submissive so appealing, and point out that this is an anti-feminist viewpoint. The clip ends and we see a beach. Max must be filming because we travel the beach towards a rock under which you sit wearing only shorts and sunglasses. Staring up at the sky. Next we see Max leading you around the beach by your collar and chain wearing a blindfold with your hands cuffed behind your back. You stumble along, blindly to Bad Ritual by Timber Timbre. Max keeps you on a tight lead, with your dog following (unleashed) behind you probably thinking this is all normal. You admit to liking the feeling of abandonment, of giving up control and thought, and to just follow someone’s direction. I wonder if this is only possible if you know and

trust that person enough not to endanger or harm you? Next we see you being taken from behind, before being on your knees and having Max’s cock fed into your mouth. A far more explicit view of this footage than we have ever seen. However it proves one point. You are submissive. The film ends with a clip from whiplash to prove the point that you feel very strongly about this fact.

Meaning: Two consenting adults experiment with power play. Discuss. Value: An awesome film and subject.

Impact: Arousal and envy.

X29 – Six Feet Under

Labelled (incorrectly) as X28 on your website. Film stars with a couple of clips which are intended to bring a smile to our faces, then moves to a scene from ‘Six Feet Under’, a series I never watched unfortunately. The point you make is about the final scene in the final episode where the producers decided to show everyone in the series dying at some point in the future. Making a point that everyone dies at some point, and the beauty is, we do not know how we are all going to die, just that we will. You have a montage of pictures of you with brown hair, presumably before you met Max, then your sexual self emerges with the blonde flyaway hair and confidence, then you seem to grow beyond the sexual freedom into introspection, this appears to be a timeline of your life. You seem to be comparing the show to your projekt, giving a common theme of people interacting as an example of how the two are similar. You do not like the idea of having a life that you do not find fulfilling that you should kill yourself. I do not condone that. We are all on a journey. The destination is unknown but the road we follow is ours to choose. You conclude with the scene in full. It is indeed very powerful and has made me want to watch the series.

Meaning: A brief consideration of the meaning of life. Value: Entertained.

Impact: Slightly morose, educated, intrigued.

X30 – Delicatessen

The film starts with a clip from one of my favourite TV series; After Life. The clip shows a girl being interviewed for a local newspaper article about her ‘botched’ plastic surgery. A light way of introducing a film about the link between food and sex. We see you in a hotel room, laying on the bed, naked. You are eating various foods whilst the text talks about what the foods are used for. The film is a selfie close up of your face as you eat (not sexily I add, you are eating normally, which I applaud), whilst discussing that you have to be considerate of how you eat else you will overeat and get fat. Good advice. The film ends with Afterlife again discussing breast milk rice puddings which make Tony gag.

Meaning: Oral fixation? No we eat to survive. Value: Love this film.

Impact: Made me laugh out loud.

X31 – Snatch

The gangster clip that the film starts with brings a sense of danger and violence to the start of the film.

We see you lying naked facing the camera with a glass of wine and sunglasses on. Never Let You Down by Barns Courtney is playing. You start to discuss vaginas. You hypothesise that men would not talk to women if they did not have vaginas. Not true. You then argue that having a vagina is a curse. This I cannot comment on (as a man) because it is true the speculum is an instrument of torture, and that there is nothing dignified about having your legs put in stirrups to be have someone shine a torch up your fanny every year, regardless of how many women’s lives it saves. Then you discuss its architecture. Sexual organs are seen differently depending on who is looking and the circumstance. Uncircumcised penises, when unaroused, look like a very unattractive flappy bit of wrinkly skin. You also consider the aesthetic of having your pubic hair removed. I groom. I like to keep things neat down there, I appreciate women who do too. We see you masturbate, manipulating your vagina expertly. The film ends with a skit about Kardashian’s sex tape.

Meaning: A close look at the vagina Value: Entertaining.

Impact: Made me smile.