They are fit for painting,
Their abstract form
but their actions
that fuck with reality
and the ownersip of such an enterprise
Not giving a fuck
Prescribe that attitude to yourself
They are attached
to suffering individuals,
inside an imaginary cage
behind bars so tight
that confidence can’t get in
But they can
The hand, the mouth and this organ
have the same power of chemistry,
Not the same connection
and the penis and the vagina
by attraction and availability
so that we may function
in an awful prison
What are they really about?
Are they sincere?
Do they feel badly in isolation?
Do they have anxiety issues?
Do they ghost, and get ghosted?
No-one gets too close
it involves sex
And nobody can control that
because it’s not a singular calling
a non linear life
Enough to captivate
the fascination of others
For ten years, project producer Alan Rogers has been doing a first impression breakdown of each film prior to release. This ‘first watch’ commentary provides me with ‘fresh eyes’ and invaluable feedback on continuity and messaging that helps me finesse my message for each film. What you are reading are his thoughts, and his stream of consciousness, on each film as he watches it. My thanks always to Alan for helping me a better, more precise writer.
I recently listened to some of podcasts featuring a couple of your compatriots (sort of); Hannah Gadsby and DBC Pierre.
The ‘sort of’ is because Gadsby is Tasmanian, and Pierre (although he was born in, and identifies himself as Australian) is a self confessed nomad that has lived almost everywhere and has almost no recognisable accent at all.
DBC Pierre is a booker prize winning author of many books, and his interview regarding his new book ‘Big Snake, Little Snake’ was interesting enough to make me want to read it. He comes across as a little bit of an Aussie Kerouac. He has a penchant for excessive living, which is charming rather than self-destructive. And writes episodes of his rich life into his books that give then a grounding in reality.
Gadsby is a remarkable woman; a stand up comedian that does not present a traditional belly laugh show. Instead she rants at the audience rather like a female Ricky Gervais. But her real passion is for Art History, where she points out the misogynistic values of what is considered great art. Really worth a listen with your new ‘collab’.
Anyway; Enough jibber jabber. I am behind in so many ways.
WHEN I REMEMBER ALL THE PENISES I HAVE MET
IT MAKES ME REALISE
THAT I SHOULD HAVE DEVOTED MORE TIME
TO BEING A BETTER ARTIST
BECAUSE I COULD HAVE HAD A WHOLE GALLERY
DEDICATED TO THE BEAUTY OF DICKS
Have you seen fleabag? The Olivia Coleman character (Dad’s new girlfriend) is an artist who makes plaster cast representations of erect penises. The scene I am thinking of is where fleabag is coerced into helping out at an opening night at a gallery where said dicks are being presented and is told that one of them is her fathers.
It is actually funnier than it sounds.
AND I WOULD HAVE CONSTANTLY
SOLD ALL MY PAINTINGS
AND AS A PAINTER
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN IT IS APPROPRIATE
TO GET AS CLOSE AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE
TO THE SUBJECT OF YOUR PAINTING
Having been through the amateur art class scene, I have to say dicks are particularly hard to draw. Not in the cartoonish way we see scrawled on toilet walls in schools, but in a realistic way when trying to draw the male nude at a life class.
MY PAINTERLY RULES FOR SUBJECTS WOULD HAVE BEEN
IT’S OK TO GET AN ERECTION
WHEN SOMEONES FACE
IS IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO YOUR PENIS
I THINK RULES ARE IMPORTANT
Indeed. This is quite generous and understanding of you.
WHEN YOU’RE A FATHER WITH A DAUGHTER
IT’S A HARD LIFE
IF YOU HAVE A SON
YOU ONLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ONE PENIS
IF YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER
YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYONE ELSES PENIS
I have both. I have no interest in my daughter’s love life at all. She has had many boyfriends and we have been liberal parents allowing them to ‘stay over’ in her bed since she was a teenager. I have no real issue providing she is being careful.
My son has had a succession of drop dead gorgeous girlfriends sleeping in his bed. They are my real worry. I have found myself jealous of my son at times. Which is concerning me. I have no right to think that way. He is a good lad. He doesn’t deserve a leering lecherous father. So I play it straight and pretend to ignore the beauty parade.
BECAUSE THE DEAFNESS OF THE BEAST
IS THE ULTIMATE SUPERPOWER OF A PENIS
PENISES HAVE MYSTICAL POWERS OF PERSUASION
FOR INSTANCE, PENISES ALLOW MEN
TO BELIEVE WITHOUT DOUBT, THAT THIER PENIS
IS THE PANCEA FOR ALL WOMEN’S PROBLEMS
This may be true for some men. Not all. Men who think they can solve any issue with presentation of an erect penis are probably in need of medication.
They say penises have a mind of their own. This is also not true. The penis will respond to stimuli both physically and mentally and men cannot ‘override’ that response. It is the subject of many hilarious tales. But it is actually a bit of a pain in the ass to be honest. The unwanted erection can be both embarrassing and (depending on how hard you try and hide it) painful.
A GUILTY CONSCIENCE NEEDS TO CONFESS
A WORK OF ART IS A CONFESSION – ALBERT CAMUS
A PERSON WHO USES A PENIS IN AN UNEXPECTED WAY
I think you made that definition up.
THIS MISSY THAT I AM
THIS MISS MONKEY ON MY BACK
LIKE SNOWFLAKES, FINGERPRINTS AND BEYONCE’S HAIRSTYLES, NO TWO PENISES ARE EXACTLY ALIKE – EXCEPT MAYBE ONES BELONGING TO IDENTICAL TWINS
NOTE TO SELF; GOOGLE THAT LATER
It is only a body part. We differ in other ways too.
WHAT DID GOD THINK WHEN HE INVENTED PENISES
Really? I could unpick that line forever. Instead lets just say that the penis was not invented, it evolved.
THE MOST COMMON THOUGHT MEN THINK ABOUT SEX
WHAT IS SHE THINKING WHEN SHE SEES MY PENIS?
I think we are all a little self conscious when we show each other our bodies for the first time.
SO TO PARAPHRASE MARK ANTONY IN THE PLAY JULIUS CAESAR:
FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, SEND ME YOUR PENISES.
COCKD LOADED AND READY TO FIRE
Not sure you want that.
THIS IS A COLLECTION OF PENIS PHOTOS
SENT TO ME BY MEN, UNREQUESTED MIGHT I ADD
A MONTAGE OF PENISES
IN SEARCH OF LADY PARTS
A COLLECTION OF PHONE POLES
UNRESTRICTED BY PANTS
‘Phone poles’. Excellent.
Unsolicited sending of dick pics is a weird phenomenon to have evolved out of the internet. It is a sort of weirdo flashing thing.
FROM ANCIENT GREECE, TO MICHELANGELO TO PORN, AND THEN TO ME
To be fair, I don’t think you can compare the statue of David to a dick pic.
AT IT’S MOST SIMPLIFIED
INJECTION DEVICES FOR SPERM
MALE MASTURBATION IS ALL ABOUT ERECTION
SO PORN TRANSFORMED PENISES
FROM INJECTION DEVICES
INTO THE CENTER OF ATTENTION
I think you have confused form with factor.
Porn is not about the penis. It is about the orgasm.
AND FOR PORTRAYAL IN PHOTOGRAPHY OR FILM THE BIGGER THE BETTER.
IF YOU SEE YOUR PENIS HERE,
DID IT JUST GET WEIRD
I would never send a dick pic to anyone.
Because I am sane. I think.
ANYONE GOT A RULER
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,
I WOULD SIT AROUND ALL DAY AND DRAW PICTURES
THAT’S REALLY MESSED UP
THAT’S NOT NORMAL
YOU KNOW HOW MANY
FOODS ARE SHAPED LIKE DICKS?
THE BEST KIND
Amusingly shaped vegetables? Yes they are a thing.
YOU WATCH A PORNO NOWADAYS
AND YOUSEE THESE GUYS
WITH THESE GIANT CHERNOBYL
COCKS ONTHEM AND YOU GO SAD TONE
OH MY GOD I’M NEVER GONNA
HAVE A DICK LIKE THAT.
HERE’S THE THING YOU ARE NOT
SUPPOSED TO HAVE A DICK LIKE
THAT NOT EVEN ANIMALS SHOULD
HAVE DICKS LIKE THAT
I like where you are going with this.
There is a strong argument that porn is not a good sexual educator. That youngsters looking to porn to fill in the gaps in their sexual education are finding it a confusing and sometimes distressing place. Where extremes are normalised.
That argument is normally directed toward the treatment of young girls, but I guess you have noted that it also makes men very self conscious too. Very observant of you.
WHAT GIRLS THINK WHEN THEY SEE THEIR FIRST PENIS
1. IT’S…VERY…..PURPLETHAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING
2. WOW. THAT’S A SHARP LEFT TURN
3. I NEED TO RESEARCH FALSE ADVERTISING LAWS
4. YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOUR WILLY
5. NOT BAD. RELATIVELY SPEAKING
Is it? Is it really?
I think most girls catch glimpses of their Dads penis at some stage, then the next penis will be a boy during early teen experimental sex. I doubt the penis will be impressive as it will belong to a boy rather than a man, but it is doubtful the girl would have much to compare it with.
THE C WORD
ARE YOU FEELING IT NOW?
I NEED YOU TO SEE THIS PLACE. IT MIGHT BE THE ONLY WAY I CAN SHOW YOU WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE INSIDE – INCUBUS/STELLAR
Not sure what you are driving at there.
NATURE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING WHEN SHE FIGURED OUT THE PENIS AND THE CUNT – ADAM CAROLLA
He should have used the same level of obscenity for both; either penis and vagina, or …. now I come to think of it ‘dick’ is not the same level as ‘cunt’ to me. I think perhaps dick or cock and pussy. But the name cunt has been weaponised. Which is perhaps why this quote feels wrong.
YOU EITHER WALK INSIDE YOUR STORY AND OWN IT
YOU STAND OUTSIDE YOUR STORY AND HUSTLE FOR YOUR WORTHINESS
LIKE A BLACK DICK AROUND A KARDASHIAN
Nope. Reference lost there. Sorry.
ITS A CLICHE TO SAY THAT MEN THINK WITH THEIR PENISES
BUT IT’S A FACT AND PENISES ARE NOTORIOUSLY STUPID.
We do not think with our penises. Our penises are rarely the subject of our thoughts. We think about sex though; as an abstract. A lot.
TWO MINUTS LATER
I’M NOT SURE IF I’VE GOT LOTS OF SPARE TIME OR I’M JUST FORGETTING EVERYTHING
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
I FOUND IT ON THE INTERNET
WHETHER YOU SNIFF IT SMOKE IT EAT IT OR SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS THE RESULT IS THE SAME
- WILLIAM S BURROUGHS
MAKE FUN OF
SAYING THEY ARE GIANT PHALLIC SYMBOLS
HAVE THEY STOPPED TO THINKS
ABOUT WHETHER A VAGINA SHAPED APOLLO 11
WOULD HAVE MADE IT TO THE MOON?
DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF JEAN-MICHEL BASQUIAT
I DON’T THINK ABOUT ART WHEN I AM PAINTING
I THINK ABOUT LIFE
- JEAN-MICHEL BASQUIAT (1960-1988)
This was a trippy film. Lots of humour. Lots going on. It entertains.
The premise that I get out of it, is that the dick as an appendage is overrated. That it’s importance has been over-emphasised by popular media.
There is no mystique involved anymore. No gleeful unwrapping of the presents. We have all seen what is inside. Which is kinda sad.
I will try and catch up soon. Scouts honour. X