Missy Jubilee. 050. Deep. As Fuck. FULL SCRIPT

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My thoughts on finishing 50 films

My father used to say to me
'your problem is that you're weird'

He had opinions on lots of things
But on this he was right

For three years
I have been outside looking in
At my sex life
Sprawled out on the internet
50 times through 50 films

Objectively, what I see is a girl who is in 
A constant state of unrested revolutions
That started long ago

In the wasteland of life 
Perhaps people don't change

Maybe a mask
Gets permanently attached

Now I realise that 
At one point early in my life
My eyes went from sadness to hardness
And a state of permanent emotional isolation
From my parents

I would never need them 
To be proud of me again

This started when I was 6 year old
With ended with
Complete bitter alienation
By 14

The next film 
'Chill. And just count to fuck'
Deals with why the alienation happened
And how my sexual behaviour changed

Since I was 14
New thoughts were memorized
Like old stories of pain
To keep them alive
So I could keep falling down the rabbit hole
Of self-flagellation

These experiences stayed locked away
In my memories
Because they were shameful

But they were 
Necessary as fuck
Because they were my punishment
Inflicted by me
On me
For being the me
My parents told me I was

'A camera is pure heroin 
For a poisoned soul 
To witness its demonic demise'

And so these films have taken
The place of my parents
Any they have become
The only way I can talk
About my sexual deviations that resulted 
From the alienation

These films are the weaponisation of my secrets

Making them gets me 
Through the time
That everyone calls a while

The time between lowlights & highlights
The time between conflicts & resolutions
The time between not knowing & knowing

These films are my story 
When structure is left behind
And all my neural pathways
Are reduced
To their most common 
Demonic overlaps

Demon no.51
Please stand up
Your time has come

I trust that the excess of demons 
I am blessed with 
Will to get me to 250 films

"I've probably got a few screws loose up in my head"
Eminem. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up

The banjo is not always happy-go-lucky
As some my films
Are also not happy-go-lucky
Due to the emotional investment
In things I have wanted to forget

But if you asked me 
What is the most important insight
I have gained from making 50 films 
About my sexual history
I would say when I look over the films
I can see the gaps in my memories

From 6 years old til 14 years old
There are large chunks that just aren't there

Previously I couldn't see those gaps

But 
I hazard a guess
That everything I have ever
Experienced, performed, feared, considered, or thought
Will eventually lead me back to an unknown & unacknowledged
Primal fear

Abandonment

The black hole that is that fear
Is buried deep in my vagina's memory

I am 
Still 
But I have a 
Thunder of violence 
Inside me
If that fear is 
Triggered

So close
To feeling like
Maybe, just maybe
I have a chance

"Whatever you do in life will become insignificant 
but it's very important you do it because nobody else will"
-Mahatma Gandhi

"When a child first catches adults out
When she finds that adults
Do not always have
Divine intelligence
That their judgments are not 
Always pure
Her world falls into panic desolation
The Gods have fallen and all safety is gone

Gods do not fall lightly
They shatter violently

And the child's world
Is never quite whole again"

-John Steinbeck. ‘East of Eden'

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