This is the soundtrack of a life imploding
When I was 14, my world collapsed in on itself, and everything changed
And I mean FOR REAL FOR EVER
Three specific things happened during that year
1. I found out my father was having an affair, and I spent three months figuring out how to make a Molotov cocktail to burn down the house where he was having the affair, with him and his bimbo slut named Karen inside (I surprised myself just then - I can still remember her name)
I didn't burn the house down. But I came very very close. Possibly closer than I'll ever admit to myself
(I watch a lot of documentaries about children in the US who are in jail for life - tried and condemned as adults - even though some are as young as 14. If not for the grace of God go I is what I think every time. Had I not turned around that one night, and decided to go for a walk on the beach the next day instead of buying petrol from the local service station like I intended - my life could have been very different right now)
2. One afternoon as I walked down the driveway at home, my mother came running towards me with a face that was all bent out of shape with rage, and she screamed 6 inches from my face that my sexual issues had made me an embarrassment to her and my father.
My father looked at me with disgust and shook his head
I remember thinking, you motherfuckering cunt, I know what you're doing, you know what you're doing, I have followed you every night for three months and sat across from her house watching your silhouettes have sex in the second floor bedroom - and you shake your head at me?
I had just learnt about the concept of hyprocrisy
And I had been taught well
But I couldn't say anything. I just cried as they walked away.
3. Late one night, I overhead an argument that my mother and father had. It would change my attitude to sex forever - and not in a good way
I got out of my bed and crawled into the hallway. I sat in the dark, and listened to them rage for an eternity.
But I can only remember two sentences
"I lie here naked every night, waiting for you to touch me and you never do. What's wrong with me, why won't you touch me?
When my mother said those two sentences as she was sobbing uncontrollably - I heard myself say - I will never be weak like you. You're pathetic. I might embarrass you, but you disgust me
At the age of 14, my family died in my mind. Every one of them. They simply ceased to exist. I would never need them again. I would never need anyone again
My 14th year was a year that left a lot to be desired.
Unless you desired trauma
In that case, it was a wonderfully successful year. One of the best
And those two sentences would change everything about sex for me for the rest of my life. What I liked, what I wanted, what turned me on, who I was attracted to, what I did, how I did it. why I did it
I can see, for the first time in my life, linkages to my desires. Negative inversions of love, trust and respect - all the elements missing from my 14th year
Prequel is a film about these three events, and the moment before a brain breaks, and a young me falls off the edge of normality - into a darkness of sex, revenge, drugs, control, domination, exhibitionism, shame, subversion, danger & punishment
In other words, the stuff that turns me on
This was my sexual & mental crib for 16 years
And I loved it every minute of it
I still do
It's all I know
I just want to figure out why