So, episode 41, here it is.
It is called Then. And a pre-release review is available for viewing at:
So, this episode.
Firstly, it was totally unplanned. A spontaneous eruption of gaseous vapour where there wasn’t notes before. Like that volcano in Japan this week. Just stuff pouring out and chasing you down the hill while you run for your life with a plastic bag over your head.
We have a rough plan of episode releases, but that changes all the time. We are both determined to let the universe tell us where we should focus, and be spontaneous – rather than be all corporate and strategise the soul out of our creativity.
Our mission statement is - flo with the go.
Because for all of our lives we haven’t. And it really feels wonderful when you just let magic and inspiration happen, without being all dictatorial and programmatical about it.
The ‘event’ that is referred to in this film was bought on by 3 things that I have now identified through writing.
1. The filming of the documentary for TVI Portugal which bought on stress, anxiety and self doubt – because I have never been able to explain myself in person. My whole life I would always have to write down thoughts to get someone to understand what I was on about.
2. An awareness that a single conversation I had with my mother when I was 12 was one of the key bad turning points in my life.
3. A single sentence Max said to me before we started filming that my brain took, twisted and ran with. I didn’t stop running for 48 hours.
All these three things are interlinked in this film by narrative sub-text.
It was a horrible 48 hours, but the learnings I have identified over the last week have literally blown my mind (well, not literally, but you know what I mean) Note to self – must take anti-hyperbole medication.
So many a-ha moments.
So many linkages.
So many things clicking into place through one recovered memory of one sentence my mother said to me.
It destroyed me then because I was weak. And needy. For love.
But now that I can see the memory, I don’t blame myself anymore for being weak. I can see that I just didn’t have options then. I was 12.
And I didn’t think mothers were supposed to say things like that. They were supposed to hug you and tell you everything would be alright.
I now realise that my mother stopped being my mother after that one sentence. I never understood that before.
But now that I can see it from a distance, it has lost its power over me. I know this is all hippie-dippy sounding – but it is very hard to describe the Dali-esque like surreality of this knowledge.
Such a small thing with such powerful control me for so many years. And something was stopping me seeing that memory, because it wanted that control over me. It wanted me to be angry, and then forget why I was angry.
Maybe the ‘it’ was me.
I’ll be writing a lot more about what I have learned over the last week.
Elevator pitch - it was bad. But it was good. I would describe it as twitchy.
And I think this film represents that delicate balance of going through short term suffering for longer term knowledge that brings peace.
C.S Lewis once said, and I paraphrase, that dealing with emotional issues is like swinging on monkey bars. You have to let go of the bar you’re holding on to if you want to make progress.
This film is me making some progress through the monkey bars of my existence on earth.
It’s getting bad vibes out of my head.
And that is a very good thing.
It is the thing I’ve never done before.
And it’s working.
Things are starting to make more sense.
But I’m starting from a pretty low base.