Then

Then

By Missy Jubilee.
-
Written one hour after coming out of a 48 hour psychotic episode

20th September 2014

-

I went to a very dark place.

For 48 hours.

Then

I have just come back

And I made that film. This.

In ten minutes. That's that

About back then

-

I understand where I went

To a moment in time

And I lived in that moment

Again

For an long long collection of moments

Like I have

All my life

From the inside out

-

It was a tormented moment

Where my brain broke

Way back then

And the universe cracked

In sympathy

Cause

Why try any more

With your brain

All broken

Because you didn’t fight

-

I recognised

I had seen it

This.

This place.

Two times before

Back then

-

But

This time

This third time

I fought back

Possessed

Like I didn't

Back then.

-

But

You walked in front

Of my possession

When I asked my mother

To take responsibility for her words

But

She wouldn't

And you wouldn't

And this time it wasn't going

To be ok.

Again.

-

I wasn't going

Down

One more time.

For the rest of my life.

Alone

Again

Fuck that

-

My learned thoughts

Rotting in my brain

Ignited

By the sound

Of an elephants back

Breaking

With the straw

You put on

-

You

Woke

A butterfly in the Amazon

And chaos theory

Knocked on my door

And said

Hello Little Miss Insane

Delivery from Amazon

A word in your ear

Dear

Just some of that

Same old

Pain

Again

-

Something unfair

Said once again

Without the touch

of love.

Or sympathy

Or compassion

By my mother.

Through you.

To me

-

She broke me

That time

Then

Back then

-

So this time

I had to

Break her

To live again

-

So at least we would have

Pain

In common

For the rest

Of our

Memories

-

I came back to reality

at dusk.

Today

-

This time

5.10pm

Only just hit me.

This.

Then.

-

That I had been on a

Road trip to hell

With my predator

Again

-

But this time

Was different

Because I made

Notes

I saw everything

While he was fanning

The flame

Of his insanity

That was mine

-

I left bread crumbs

Reversed

So

I know the way back

In time

Without no more

Wrong signs

-

Now versed

In the knowledge that

I love you

Because I made you suffer

Like me

And I saw what I had

Done

Because your face

Was mine

Asking one question

That I asked my mother

Again & again

Why are you doing this to me?

-

I'm sorry

You were my hitcher

In this terrible

Road picture

-

So I made

A pretty one

Instead

A pretty picture of us

Our moment in time

And that was

This.

It’s the opposite

Of then.

-

Because you held my hand

And didn’t let go

Like the rest

No matter

How hard

I tried to make

You