Missy. She was a butterfly that had no wings

delusionaut (noun) - Made up word meaning 'one who thrives in a state of delusion'

All the way round
All the way down
With a chemical cocktail
Causing dirty deeds that I choked on

Dirty deeds that kept me drunk and high 
But ultimately feeling low

I had found a space that was made to fit me in

By the age of 20
I had enthusiastically taken up a friendship 
With a middling drug problem

Chemical misuse in decade two
That proved overly difficult to undo

It would eventually turn into a hateship with a long extended breakup

It still calls me hoping to get back together
Some substances need to get a life


Running hard from the fear of fear
I would open the door of my consciousness
And throw myself down the 100 or so stairs
Ending busted up and angry on the basement floor of my mind

An appalling waste 
Brains successfully turned to paste

Tragically wasted 

Voices muted

Comfortably numbed

As comfortable as you can be 
Lying comatose 
On an imaginary concrete basement floor

I was a fourth rate Robert Downey Jnr
Without the talent 
Or the penis

Every time I stood up
I discovered that someone had dismantled the stairs
Leading back up to my reality  

It usually took me three days
To rig a rope
Make like Tarzan
And get back to where I didn’t want to be

But the time spent down there 
Crouched in the dark corners of my mind
Wondering if this was the time I had gone too far
Had served me well 

Perspective was what was given to me

It turned me into a machine with two switches
To fight or flee 
I can clearly see

I had done my harm
Used up all my charm

This was the decade
I went long on a blue chip stock called 
Self loathing & hate 

I’ve held that stock ever since

I put it in my 401K

It has appreciated nicely

I plan to retire on it

apathenial (adjective) – Made up word meaning rarely giving a shit