Missy Jubilee. 042. Hurt. Pre-release Script

Episode 42: Hurt  
Long Title: I Hurt Myself Today. And I Became A Cliche
Strapline: To Be A Creator. Not A Destroyer
By: Missy Jubilee
-
Long Form Treatment. Pre-release Script
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Writing On This Episode Started 5.50pm 11th October
Finished At 12.03am 12th October 2014
Six Hours Of Post Psychosis Clarity Blues
-
Hurt
-
Fuck
Fuck This
This Missy That I Am
This Recovering Missyholic
This Missy Monkey On My Back 
Subject
Or Human. 
Being.
Resplendent
With What Drips From The Brain 
As Blood
-
I Always Thought
That 
Putting Your Shit On Blast
Was
Too Intimate
To Say Out Loud
Too Personal
Soul-Naked
Like I
Am
-
A
Hard Episode To Read
Hard Episode To Write
I Am Ashamed 
To Have To Document This War Within
And Wear Tragedy
As Armour
-
But To Avoid It Would Be 
Intellectually Dishonest
And
I Will Not Allow
Myself
To Become
A Cliche Collection 
Of Self Serving Tidbits
-
You Know All That Beach Stuff? 
That Was Fun
A Little Naughty Granted 
But Don't Ever Think I Didn't Enjoy Most Of It
For All Those Years
-
This
This Is Something Different
This Is Not Fun
This Is Going Through
Life
While Being
Waterboarded
-
To Paint
Nice Things With Fear
Is A Neccessary Skill
In My Skin
Does Anyone Even Send 
Postcards Anymore
-
It Happened
It Is My Reality Now
It Was Not Like Anything Else Before
It Is A Scary And A Marked Escalation
-
I Must Be Getting Close To Something
Something Is Threatened
By A Few Keystrokes
Of Reality
Woken By Knocking Loose 
Pixellated Memories
-
It Has Hidden Behind
Black Holes
For A Long Time
And It Is Angry When Disturbed
Hellaciously so
-
Anger
Like Crack Or Smack Or Crank
Only Worse
You Are
The Best Dangerous Drug
In My Neighbourhood
You Are Cheap
And Pretty
Easy
-
To Get Me To Talk
We 
Max And I
Construct
Elaborate Narrative Mechanisms
To Distance Me
From
The Emotional Shut Down
-
This Is One,
As Raw Emotional Meat
Is The Enemy 
Of My State
-
I Thought About Writing This Episode
As A Q&A Between Myself 
And A Typical Psychiatrist
But I Realised
I Would Then Hide Behind Sarcasm
Like I Always Did
-
Then I Thought
Why Not Invent The Perfect Psychiatrist
I Have A Piece Of Paper
I Have A Pen
I Can Do This
-
My Ideal Psychiatrist
This Person Knows Everything About Me
They Know My Tricks 
They Ask Good Questions
I Respect Them And Their Opinion
They Don't Just Want To Give Me Drugs
Or Put Me In A Convenient Niche
-
They Don't Want To Tell Me How Good
They Are
At What They Do
Or Their Solutions To My Life
After An Hours Discussion
Or $500 Dollars
Whichever Comes First
And Last
-
Most Importantly
They Believe I Have All The Answers
And They Want Me To Work It Out
Because That Will Make Me Stronger
And They See Their Greatest Value
As Asking The Right Questions
To Unlock Whatever Needs Unlocking
-
That's My Ideal Psychiatrist. 
Let's Picture Her As My Grandmother
Stella
-
Being Alone In This 
That Breaks
And Screams
At The Only Person
Who Really Wants To Help
The Only Person Who Can Help
I Demand
Love
I Scream You Away
I've Got Two Ears
And One Mind
I Feel A Little
Outgunned Here
Only A Grandmother Could Love This
Creature 
And
Not Even A Mother
-
My Grandmother Stella Was Very Kind. 
And She Never Had To Have All The Answers.
She Was Graceful. And Non-Judgemental
I Feel Those Are Two Important Qualities I Seek In Others
I Think Her Voice
Is The Very Kind, Rational And Considered Voice
I Hear In My Head
-
This Is A Discussion Between My Ideal Psychiatrist
Played By My Dead Grandmother 
Before She Was Certified As Insane And Was Lobotomised
And Me
To Explain Some Craziness 
What Just Happened
-
I Know
Surreal To Just Think About It
Do Normal People Have These Sort Of Conversations In Their Head?
I Think I Might Be A Bit Special

Who Do You Think Invented
What You See
Little Chikadee?
-
Stella: Hello Dear
Missy: You Shouldn't Call Me Dear. Pretend You Don't Know Me
Stella: I'm Sorry Dear. Should I Call You Missy?
Missy: Sure Gran
Stella: It's Very Strange Because I've Never Called You That
Missy: Gran. Focus
-
Stella: Sorry Dear. Sorry. Missy. What Happened Darling?
M: I Had Another Event
Second Time In Three Weeks
This Was Worse
Much Worse
Not A Rumble In The Jungle
More A Jumble In The Jungle
S: Why?
M: It Went For 4 Days
It Started Monday 10am
And Finished Friday Morning 4am
S: How Did It Finish?
M: I Stabbed Myself In The Left Wrist With Scissors
Fortunately. Or Unfortunately, 
I Missed All The Major Veins
-
S: Have You Ever Done This Before Sweetheart?
M: Never
I've Thought About It. But I've Never Done It.
S: Darling. This Is Scaring Me. I Don't Know What To Ask
M: Ask What Worries Me The Most About This
S: Darling I'm Sure Sure I Can Hear This
M: I Am Not In Complete Control Of My Actions
I've Never Tried To Kill Myself
But I've Thought About It
Does This Event Mean That That Is Possible Too?
-
Someone Once Wrote Me Something
That Really Scared Me
They Asked 
'Is This Project One Long Suicide Note' 
I Realised I Didn't Know The Answer
To That Question
-
What Did They See 
That I Didn’t See 
In My Sentences
Or 
Were They Reading
My Doppelgangers
Words

S: Do You Want To Die Sweetheart?
M: No. But I Didn't Think I Wanted To Stab Myself
In The Wrist With Scissors At 4am
Before Friday Morning
Either
-
I Am Sane Enough To Know
That I Did This To Myself
But 
I Am Insightful Enough To Know
That I Was
Not Conciously present
-
Someone Was There
Just
Not This
Me
-
S: Do You Know Why It Happened?
M: I Feel Like I Can Make An Educated Guess
I Saw Something Clearly
Because Of Some Words
Last Week
S: What Were They Dear?  Sorry. Missy
M: That's Ok Gran. You Can Just Be Gran.
It Was A Paragraph That Read
-
You Are Factured
And Now Multi-Dimensional
And It Is Truth
That Is Starting To Seep In To All Of You
And With It Comes
A Whole Host
Of Seemingly Unconnected Sequences Of Memories
That Will
At One Time Or Another
Begin To Register In Your
Human Manifestation
-
M: First. I Thought. Stoner. Definitely
Then I Realised That
It Was A Photo Negative
Of What I Was Seeing
Refracted Visual Memories 
Have Started To Come From
All Directions
-
S: How Did This Start?
M: On Sunday, My Brain Seemed To Go Through
A Chemical Imbalance
On Monday Morning, Max Said Something That I Took As
An Accusation
My Brain Processed A Fuck Ton Of Artisinal No Limits Crazy 
A Big Eyeball Full Of Road Maps 
And Party Balloons
Weird Shit For A Road Trip
There Was A Little Me In Each Ballon
-
All The Way To That Door
The Door At The End Of The Hall
Mortality Meet Missy
Hello Little Girl
Hold My Hand
Don't Let Go
-
This Last Period Of Descent
Started With The Perception
Of An Unjust Accusation
From Max
Which Sent Me To A Place
Where I Have No Voice
Because
It's Caught In The Lump
The Size Of A Volcano
In My Childs
Throat
-
S: What Happened?
M: A Memory Was Knocked Loose Into My View
A Memory Of My Parents Screaming At Me 
For Wetting The Bed
I Think I Was Three
I Was Lying On The Bed In The Foetal Position 
Screaming
Fuck, Fuck, Triple Dick Fuck
-
S: What Else Did You Remember?
M: I Remembered My Mother 
Screaming,
Then Crying 
Hysterically
Then Being 
Angry
-
She Was A Too-Far-Away Bitch
A Perfect-Answer-To-Everything-Bitch
So I’ll Become Missy Don't-Care-Bitch
How Does That Feel
Bitch
-
S: Go On Dear
M: I Can't Be Absolutely Sure Of This Memory
But I Think I Would Say I'm 90%. 
I Have A Memory
Of Being Rolled Up In The Soiled Bed
By My Father
And Being Told I Was Being Punished
-
S: Sweetheart. Do You Think Max Could Step In And Do This
I'm Not Sure I'm Able To Handle This
Missy: Sure Gran. No Problem. I Understand. Thank You
Stella: I Love You Darling. Please Don't Hurt Yourself
Missy: I'll Try Gran
Thank You
I Love You
-
Echoes
Through My Mind
They Were The Only Words
I Heard From Now
And They Wove 
Now Into Then
-
Max: What Up Bitch
Missy: Who Are You Supposed To Be?
Max: The Breaking Bad Psychairtrist 
Missy: What The Fuck Are You Talking About?
Max: You Said I Could Be My Ideal Psychairtrist 
Missy: I Said My Ideal Psychairtrist. Not Your's.
Max: Are You Sure?
Missy: Reasonably
But Given What Has Happened, Let's Just Move On
-
Max: So Who Do You Want Me To Be?
Missy: Just Be You
Be A Psychairtrist
Ask Hard Uncomfortable Questions
I Am Your Client
Start The Meter
Max: Ok. I Think I Could Do That. 
Ka-Ching
Meter Started
So.....
1. Soiled Bed 
2. You Inside Said Bed
3. Your Mother Screaming
Next
Missy: I Remember Thinking A Number Of Things
Max: Go
Missy: Chill Dude
Max: I'm Chilled
Memories While Wrapped In A Wet Mattress
Go
Missy 
1. Why Are You Screaming At Me?
2. I Don't Know Why I Wet The Bed
3. I Didn't Want To Wet The Bed
4. I Remember The Words 'Pathetic' & Disgusting Being Used To Describe Me
-
I'll Fight This Time
Again
I'll Ask In Reasonable Tone
Again
I'll Be What Is Right
And Good
Again
And I'll Ask And Ask Until They 
Hear
Once
-
Missy: I Think A Personality Was Born In That Moment 
The Personality That Just Wanted Her To Stop
For Gods Sake Stop
I'm Scared
You Are Scaring Me
This Has To Stop
-
This Personality Was Born
With A Thought 
'If You Won't Stop, I'll Make You Stop'
-
The Murder Of A Child's Mind
-
Max: How Did You Imagine Stopping Her?
Missy: By Fighting Back Against Her
By Stabbing Her
-
But I Never Seriously Considered It
I Just Remember It As
The Slightest Thought
But Given What Happened 
Friday Morning 
I Think It Is More Significant
Because
I Think That Personality
Has Grown Larger Over The Years
As An Overpowering Defense Mechanism
-
Max: Go On
Missy: It's The Personality That Protected Me From My Parents
It's The Personality That Protected Me For Years
On The Streets
With A Vicious Insane Temper
But It Has Got Me Out Of Situations
You Know
Situations
-
I Thought It Was My Protector
My Invisible Shield
My Own Personal Super Hero App
But
It's Just A Matinee Screen
Villain
In Black
-
When The Bed Wetting Memory Surfaced 
That Personality Took Hold
And It Flicked The Player 
To Repeat Replay For 
The Next Trillion Years, Or 4 Days
Depending On Heads Or Tails 
And It Was My Flip
-
It Raged Fully 
At The Injustice
Because It Wasn't 
My Fault
And I Wasn't Going 
To Be Scared Any 
More
-
This Was The Exact Opposite Of 
Scared
This Was A Suicide Vest
As A Personality
but without the cause
-
For The First Time
I Saw This
Me
This
Part Of Me
Was Out Of Control
-
No Brakes
No Conscience
Drive It Like 
You Stole It
Cause I Did
And I Had 
No Intention Of Returning 
this anger
Anytime Soon
Past. Present. Or Future
-
And For The First Time I Yelled To It
In The Shouty Voice I Didn't Have
Yo. Homeboy
I've Been Taking Stock
And Feeling Uncomfortable
So
This Has To Stop
This Isn't Fixing Nothing
It's You
That's Stopping Me 
Stopping You
-
Max: And....
Missy: It Turned On Me
Max: And
Missy: Next Thing There Is Blood Everywhere
Holes In My Wrist
And I Was Screaming
-
Max: What Has Your First Thought After That?
Missy: I Have Parrallel Universe Moments 
Of Complete Clarity 
As An Detached Observer 
Where Five Minutes Of Thinking Gets Done 
In A Microsecond
In That Micro-Second
I Remember Part Of Me Thinking 
I Wonder If It Was Going For My Hands 
To Stop Me Writing 
But Missed 
And If So
Thank God You Fumbled
And Stumbled
-
Max: Do You Remember Thinking Anything Else?
Missy: It Could Have Been A Warning Shot
Like...
Next Time Bitch
Next Time I Won't Miss
You're Warned
This Stops
Now
Touch Fingertips
To Lips
On Bended Knees
And I'll Show You 
What an 
An Emotional 
Beheading
looks like
from the inside
-
Max: So Give Me The Sequence Of Events Here
Missy:
1. You Say Something Which I Percieve As An Accusation
2. I Have A Memory Of Bed Wetting
3. I Get Angry For 4 Days Brain-Locked In The Memory
4. Then At 4am On The 4th Day
I Stab Myself Repeatedly In The Wrist
With A Pair Of Scissors
-
I Had A Dream
Saw Myself Opening My Eyes 
Before Me I Had A Wall
Of Moving Mouths
Saying Many Different Things
But All The Same 
In Many Strange Tongues
Laughter is the universal language
Is She Wetting Her
Pants
-
Max: You And I Know You Left One Final Thing Out
Missy: On Friday Night After Harming Myself
I Wet The Bed, But...
Woke Up
Right In The Middle
And Stopped Myself
I Have Never Done That Before
-
Max: Is This Still Happening?
Missy: It Stopped When I Was About 7
I Remember My Parents
Always Yelling At Me
For Wetting The Bed
-
I Used To Wet Myself
In Class
In Grade One
It Seemed To Happen
For A Long Time
-
Then It Stopped
-
However, I Have Wet The Bed Twice
In The Last 12 Months
since starting this project
While Recovering Memories 
While Asleep
-
This Time Was The First Time 
I Have Ever Been Able To Stop It
Like lightning struck my head
-
Max: Do You Know Why?
Missy: Not Conclusively
But I Remember The Words That I Thought
When The Peeing Stopped 
You Don't Have Control Over Me Anymore
-
Things I know
There Some People Who Know Who They Are 
And Why They Do 
What They Do
No Long Explanations
Or False Accusations
Others
Like Me
Have No Clue
We Reign 
In A Kingdom Of 
Confuse-Us
-
Max: How Does The Stabbing Yourself With Scissors Fit In Here
Missy: My Best Guess Is..
The Personality That Was Born
With The Thought Of Stopping My Mother By Stabbing Her
In Turn
Turned On Me
Anti-Body Attacks Host
Trying To Get Me To Stop This Biological Process
Of Reducing My Past's
Infection
-
The More I Dig 
The More Exposed This Persona Is
And It Doesn't Like It
Especially The Last 3 Weeks
There Is Violent Opposition 
Brewing
In The Hidden Memories
-
I Think I Created
This Persona To Protect Me, 
But Now It Seeks Control 
At All Costs
And it's starting to cost a lot
-
It Doesn't Want Me Fixed
It Doesn't Want Me Stable
If I'm In Control, It Is Not In Control. 
For My Doppelganger
That Is Sub-Optimally
Un-Acceptable
-
Max: So How Does This Relate To The Bed Wetting
Missy: I Looked The Doppelganger In The Eye 
Before I Woke
And 
It Told Me Something It Didn't Say
That Power Lies In Anonymity
And You Don't Have That
Now
-
Panic 
Fucked You Up 
This Time
Not Me
Because
I Can See You Now
And You're Not My Friend
You Just Overplayed Your Hand
I Need To Leave You On The Doorstep
Of Humility 
With Your
Losses

It Will Not Go Quietly
It Will Be A Long
But
The Practice Of Discerning 
A New Truth
Goes Hand In Hand
With Discerning What Is
A Long Held
Lie
-
My Disinclination To Adhere
To The Obvious Is Something
I Do
To Protect The Fear
I Don't Want To Lose
Even If It Is Killing 
Me
-
I Saw The Start Of Its 
Death
The Bed Wetting 
Stopped
I Took Control
By Taking
The Force Of The 
Blow
Just This Once
-
Maybe They Listened 
Just This
Once
-
I've Got Scars
That Don't Glorify
Because 
I Know Where 
I Can't Go
-
Sometimes 
That's More Important
Than Knowing Where You're Going
Because
Any Place Is Better
Than Making It Through The Tunnel
And Not Sticking The Landing
-
Max: Don't Do That Shit Again.  Ok?
Missy: I'll Try
-
Epilogue
3 Days Later
-
Until
I Realise
What I've Done
And Who I Am
How Raw My Heed
How Weak My Need
Violence Will Take My Hand  
To Stab The Need Away
To Kill This Need
To Kill This Weakness
To Not Need
You
Or Anyone
Ever
This Is My Monster
Of Need
-
It Is In Me
That Keeps You Distant
Away From Close To Me
I Am Pathetic
And I Am Ashamed Of That
Sometimes I Am Nothing
But Burning
Need
-
I Am Now
Away From The Paved Roads
Looking For Another Route
Documenting The Making Of A 
Resolution
Can You Smell The Trail Of Escapism
-
I Don’t Believe In Miracles
But In Do Believe In 
Events That Defy Logic
And This 
Was One Of Them
-
This Has Been A Missy Jubilee Film
We Care So You Don't Have To
Comes With Free Head Tilted Smiles &
Psychological Crack Cocaine
-
And Now
Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Abyss
-
P.S
I Hate The Smell
Of Burning Need
In The Morning