Vagina. The Book

Vagina. The narrative behind the films

I'm writing a book about this projekt and my sex life - one memory at a time. It's called Missy Jubilee's Vagina. My Sex from the Inside Out. This is where the new writing on the memories is kept

The Subliminal Conversation of a Sociopath

Missy Jubilee. Sociopath. The Direction of Why

This is the full subliminal conversation between the voices and court ordered mental health professionals within the film

Some are written

Most are said

[Conversation starts…]

You’ve blurred so many boundaries young lady

I guess I feel like I’ve been living my life as two people, and now I don’t know who is in control anymore. I used to believe that people determine their own lives, and yet I think there’s one force more powerful than free will

Our desires?

No. Discovery. And it started 10 years before 1994

How did you get there again?

Rebirth is necessary. And here we go

[Start film]

Roll cameras

Are you recording this? Because everyone carries their prisons with them. You know this right?

Well, then, good morning and enjoy yourself today. If you can. You’re learning and you’ve got the right to make mistakes

Oh, you’re wrong about that. You’ll see

Where are you in your head right now? Where are you exactly?

1994

Tell me what is happening

The pretty thing you’re looking at is me. But it is me who can not see any of what is coming

What is coming?

Fear

What if we can change things?

Do you have any idea the storm I created?

No. But tell me every little detail

Mostly it’s like Breaking Bad on acid. But there’s this one little thing. There was nothing normal about me as a little girl. I grew into the oddest of oddballs. Just me. And my sexuality.

Tell me more

I should never have come to these memories again

But you must. Continue

In 1994, I was 14 years old and my life as I knew it ended at 4.36pm one day when my parents left for the night

What did you do?

I got undressed

Why?

Because that thing that I greatly feared
had finally come upon me. Freedom

That’s a good thing isn’t it?

Mostly, but sometimes in life, a bare assertion is not necessarily the naked truth. It depends whether you were running from the naked truth. Or whether you were running towards the naked truth

What were you doing?

I was running towards the fear. Not away from it

Was fear the earliest manifestation
of your deviant sexual arousal triggers?

Yes

Interesting. Please tell us more

Missy Jubilee. Sociopath

This is a preview of the opening sequence of the upcoming episode 'Prrvrrt'.

It highlights an important plot point in the 250 film story

The Direction of Why

Missy Jubilee. 064 White Grrl Niggrr

It's been a moment. Or six months. Whichever is longer

Script

Missy Jubilee is a White Grrl Niggrr who uses R's excessively

Who knows why

Intro

This is the sequel to 'Dick'

For six months after 'Dick', I went to war with myself
and a very toxic element resided within & without

This enigmatic & chromatic episode
documents my awareness
of what re-living a past pivotal trauma
on a recurring basis sounded & felt like inside my head. 

It is a monochrome study of 

Anger. In Motion. Louder Than Words. Swinging between inertia & escape

The words are captured 4am realisations

re-purposed as a non-linear slam rap
to speak about
important abstract awarenesses-

That I can't. Or won't

Awareness never comes until it's too late

Start film

Start music

I can't be touched   
I can't feel anything
I can't move       
It has me rocked   
But I am strong   

Maybe not

When will this White Grrl Niggrr learn?

I came to make art     
I came to resolve a life
I came to get it re-started
I came to get it right

Don't turn down my fears  
Turn up my mic
When will this White Grrl Niggrr speak?

I can't speak what I mean
I try to hustle & grind
And I get in
my own way
when I pimp my past
        
But I ain't going back     
to who I was

So you can call a judge
cause I ain't gonna budge

Because tomorrow never comes until it's too late

You could be sitting taking lunch.
The news will hit you like a punch.
And it's only Tuesday

I see my fear finally
Not knowing

You don't believe me?

Do I want to be touched?
Can the spiraling be stopped?
Can I move forward?
Can I stop being rocked?    
Maybe not

When will this White Grrl Niggrr know?

I came to see my original incarnation  
I came to re-solve me        
I came to do me right

When will this White Grrl Niggrr not be wrong?

Open your heart
and look what I got for you.
All these faults that are not in the presence of greatness

I pass the message to you.
You block it - but I'll run with it.
I'm here for the making amends game

Now
I can't move
I can't create
I can't be

Yo, repeating life pattern, you wanna go at it? 
Holla back, my pattern Niggrr
Let's go to war motherfuckrr

Silence never comes until it's too late
For better? For worse?

For nothing at all

I can't find you

I can't holla back Niggrr

Because my fears
Can't be stopped     
Can't be moved      
Can't be rocked        
Can't be shook           
They are white hot

When will this White Grrl Niggrr see?

Tomorrow is another day

Today can't be another    
Escalation     
Separation       
Situation          
Dissipation             
Violation                
Conflagration

When will this White Grrl Niggrr understand?

Why am I fierce like a lion
when I got nothing but proof?

Without truth in my corner
this White Grrl Niggrr would lose herself

Deconstructing
this White Grrl Niggrr down
is what I needed
to do

Me and my sexual past,
you never thought we'd go to war,       
after all the things we saw

Now you make me act      
like a hot damn fool

But you will not win
cause I will not lose myself      
again

You feel the fear all around?

It's Tuesday

Is it my birthday?

Your screws are loose

Don't call my hand

You hot damn fool
You will not win
cause I will not
give up

I can be touched
I will not be toxic   
My fears will be overcome...

when this White Grrl Niggrr learns
1. Starting over without anger   
2. The concept of grace    
3. The importance of kindness

That is when
this White Grrl Niggrr will be 

Free


My father passed on 9th May 2017
It was a Tuesday
Tuesday never comes until it's too late

Make art. Not evidence


Outro


Is it worth it?

This grueling filmic journey to enlightenment
This unconventional endurance test exploring sexual identity

Is it worth it? 

Every question, action & motivation in life
seems to simplify down to those four small words

Is it worth it? 

So is it?


I was here

But now I am glad that someone
with the ability to get back in the game of life
finally has the reins

A spirited response to a contrary confession

Missy Jubilee
3rd July 2017

 

Missy Jubilee. Dick

A supplementary vignette from the next episode 'PRRVRRT'

Missy Jubilee. Eyef*ck


Just in time for Xmas, the vision edit & music mix without the storyline for the next episode PRRVRRT. Merry christmas to everyone, and thank you all for your support. Peace be with you in 2017

Missy Jubilee. Creem FULL SCRIPT.

A supplementary vignette from the next episode 'PRRVRRT'

All I get is creemd

I was confused With the direction I had no map for celebrating The nurances of sexuality

Talk about the discomfort Of personal growth

Can I interest you in some suncream?

PRRVRRT COMING SOON

Missy Jubilee. RaRaRiot

A supplementary vignette from the next episode 'PRRVRRT'

Missy Jubilee. Cowboiz

A supplementary vignette from the next episode 'PRRVRRT'

Missy Jubilee. Twitch

A supplementary vignette from the next episode 'PRRVRRT'

Missy Jubilee. Push

A supplementary vignette from the next episode 'PRRVRRT'

Missy Jubilee. Creem

A supplementary vignette from the next episode 'PRRVRRT'

Missy Jubilee. Chinatown

Music & visuals from the film 'Nymph - without the storyline

Missy Jubilee. 063 PRRVRRT

This is a film currently in production for release December 2016

This film is a dark burlesque portrait about the relationship between memory, identity & raw sexual matter - set to interpretive dance with a dirty house soundtrack

In the age of misinformation - I was informed mistakenly about my need to be avant garde

pleonasm\noun
-the use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; redundancy

Checkpoint Tantrum

Whimsical memories of happy endings
are the distorted nature of a contoured culture

I prefer to remember the chaos

Fetish Unleashed

Try this at Home

I did

immure\verb
1. to shut in; seclude or confine.
2. to enclose within walls

Transmission Adrift: The secret world of mind junk

The sicken in g
of influence
pervasively subtle
rotten in g
everything.

I turned that knob 

Right

Laugh in g
Smil in g
Going a bit existential

Inside a
G spot

Hot

But will I
not rot?

logophobia\noun
-an obsessive fear of words

Silent Wanderings

I understood survival

I grabbed hold of it
and celebrated it as best I could
by embarking on a visceral journey
of getting lost
in a serious game of small-scale

There was no end to this

It was
between me and
my non-linear
adolescent alienation
narrative

soliloquize\verb
-to utter a soliloquy; talk to oneself

Dreams of Levitation

Everyone changes 

But I changed
because I wanted to 

Not under any outside pressure

Not under any outside mandate
 
Not because I was court ordered 

Under my own volition

Now I am getting
a little better at observing myself 

I see the twitches
in my behaviours

Then, I couldn't

I wouldn't label that me abnormal

I didn't know what normal was 

Back then
I was a very normal version
of what I was 

which was sometimes confusing

Teenage Daydream: A restless lo-fi trip. Maybe we should turn around?

We all find ourselves
in lives
we did not expect

But I can usually tell
when I am starting to do
something I will regret

As imagination and reality collide ,
I fall in a synchronized exploration
of body and space

This is one girl’s complex coming-of-age

'C' is for Collapse

From first glance to infatuation - youthful perspectives on teenage intersexuality

Images of vaginas and posteriors tell a rose-tinted story of unfettered adolescence on the sexuality frontier

 

-fin-

 

 

Missy Jubilee. 063.1 PREVERT

A short preview of the next film 'PRRVRRT'

Missy Jubilee. 062.2 Nymphette (the 7" Darker Shorter version of Nymph)

When I first considered telling this part of my story, I imagined 2 films - the first with all the perspective, exposition and narrative discovery I have looking back on the event, and my understandings of what motivations/events got me there - with the second film being just about the memory with no context. Just as someone who had no experience of me or my history would have experienced my memory - in isolation

I don't plan to do this with every film, and have only done a shorter version of the main episode once before - for 'Requiem'

However, this is a cornerstone episode, and I chart my decline from this point on

Intent, motivation & action first raise their ugly heads

Due to the difference in the musical score, I get a more sinister, less innocent undertone to my thinking in the shorter version

Perhaps that is what I hide from

Perhaps this is why this film exists

To make me see me

Without any justification

"Innocence is in the eye of the beholder"

Missy Jubilee. 062. Nymph. FULL SCRIPT

Infinity

Chapter 1

“Nonresistance is the key to the greatest power in the universe”
1994 I am 14 years old, familial chaos reigns
My parent complex relationship was in a rage
Of matrimonial real talk for the last time
My mother lost her shit
My pain, outrage, hate, vengeance, confusion & arousal-circuited
I entered mental isolation as my parent separated from themselves, and me

Artistic vignette of my internalised childhood
#1 Abandonment issues
#2 Inappropriate sexual role models
My father moved with his sexy new girlfriend
I just tired of feelings
My father asked if I wanted to live with him & his sexy girlfriend
I guess he took my silence as a no
Because he didn’t ask me to approve of his apocalypticism again
He had a otherwordly grasp of my silent fuck right off
I wanted to be her, I didn’t want to live with her
It was all about power and powerlessness
He would never understand that
No one would. Not even me.
I stayed with my mother instead,
As she dived deep into an obsessive all encompassing
Ocean of clinical depression
Meanwhile, unseen by my parents, I had some stuff going on
#3 Body Issues

Chapter 2: Now you see me, now you don’t
#4 My uncle
He has been mentioned only once in the previous films
Yes thank you for your input
For next 2 years I locked myself in a box called my skin
I became obsessive second time in my life
But no last time
My obsessions are like ether
They slowly crawl under my skin
Inhabiting my conscious imagination
And incubating with in my insecurities
Until they became action based
And then
Impulse eventually overcomes good sense

The first time I became obsessive
I was six years old
I started eating to hide something
And I didn’t stop until I was 14
Fot the next two years, I starved myself
And completely reversed 8 years
of obsessive hiding my skin
Alone in my darkened mind
I sunk to the bottom to feed
And looked around
The sign said — no rules
Sweet deal
Organic

I never spoke to him again
Two years late my uncle would say
‘You are no a fat little kid anymore’
 No i wan’t
I never spoke to him again
I lost weight but I didn’t quieten the monologue of fear I listened to.
It morphed
Shme
It’s not all bad
It can lear to heightened self-consciousness
Apartness, an inability to join in, emotional self loathing
And in my case, excessive risk taking

Without those qualities
I would never have disappeared into
The mad sexual intensities
That made me

This new version of me
Had only one question about shame

How can you make it last?

The self punishment of acting out: The first awareness
Just keep walking away
This could be my territory
This could be where I work best
Forget the past
And slip into something

A SHADE DARKER
1996, A super 16 stroll down memory lane
I was 16 years old I weigh 50 kilos
I look at the world differently it sees my differently
Shame is my constant companion
But an added dimension walks into my life
I become aware of sex & sensibilities
Now when I walk along the beach
For the first time in my life, people notice me
People of the male persuasion
People I didn’t know
People who reminded me of my father & my uncle
$Innocence is in the eye of the beholder
Men would come up to me as I walked
And engage in the smallest of small talk
I noticed one thing I had never seen before
They all saw me with intensity
Because I gave them permission to
I learned about rejection early in my life
And was constantly trying to avoid it
But now I was surrounding it at every opportunity
And taking every opportunity I knew I shouldn’t
In hindsight, all for one reason

To create a memory
I would never wear a bra
So their smiles were always faint & lopsided
Small tells of little thrills
As their eyes moved down my body some
Their body language said
I just want to crash into you

When I would turn
To continue on my way
Their faced would let out
A long sorry sigh

I would grow to love that look

That look of disappointment
For a lost opportunity
That could have been

It was so familiar

In that look
I had created
Some small amount
Of survival
At a molecular level
Now I was
One molecule less
Alone

I began to understand
Why other girls
resist for a moment
Just for that
Sweet look of regret
That was confirmation
I was all
That man wanted
For that
Moment
In time
I wanted to everyman
To think of me
That way

Are you scared?
Scared? I scoffed, of what?
Anything real
Don’t be silly
I am flirting with my thesis
That all men have two qualities
They are judgmental sluts
What the hell kind of degree
Is this anyway?
At this stage in my life
It seems to be a doctorate
In dick tease
But this isn’t me
In my day to day life
I could never find
The courage to talk to boys
Much less tease them
Yet here I was
I had a hidden agenda
And it wasn’t even
Very well hidden
I guess you only tease
The ones you love

‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with’
-Crosby. Stills & Nash

I would learn one important lesson
From this two years of my life
Dangling a carrot in front of a donkey
Or anyone else for that matter
Is not nice and not fair
Unless you eventually plan to give it up to them