A great future sometimes doesn’t need a great past – William Chapman
I wonder whether I carry a deadness inside me that is so unbearable that I can only bring myself to life through sexual attraction.
Maybe nothing much reaches me in the same way.
I wonder what damage was done to my sexual-self growing up, that it became the darkest part of me and the source of such pain.
Maybe that pain comes once we use our sexuality as a drug as a means of injecting life into us, as some form of manic defence against sexual Dissociative Identity Disorder or worse, full blown psychosis.
This was my mind in 2005, the year Max saved me from my thoughts.
I hated myself then. People say hate is a strong word to throw around but love is a strong word to throw around and people throw that word around all the time.
I asked Max “conceptually what do you think is the difference between love & hate?’
‘One’s in your head and one’s not’ He said.
We have spent the last nine years documenting the hatred of my sexuality that exists in my head, so I could find out what childhood event was being sexually over-compensated for.
In 2005, we didn’t realise how many repressed sexual memories I had deeply repressed & unacknowledged.
Love & Trust were concepts quite foreign to this repressed personality.
For the first time I realised there was more than one of me in my head.
There was also a traumatised child acting out sexually and Max was able to talk to that scared child. He has been the only person able to get that child to speak about her blame, and for the first time in her life someone approached her shame with curiosity. Not Judgement. Or Pills.
Our discussions with the traumatised child in my head are these films.
Max said to the child ‘I’m attracted to your mind and your unguarded thoughts. There’s life in those thoughts.
And the child said to Max, ‘Then why do I die?’
Max said to the child ‘Part of you may have died but somewhere in your mind you saw everything and that keeps you in a prison with the door wide open’
Just let go. Let go of how you thought your life should be – Caroline Myss
So…. That’s what I’m doing one memory at a time. Never allowing waiting for the right time to become a habit because somewhere in my mind is a memory I have to find. Something that will explain why I am so sexually fucked up.
I am not drunk in the idea that love, and only love can heal my brokenness, I don’t think my brokenness can be healed.
Anger. Hate. Isolation. Loneliness. Fear. Shame. Got all mixed up with my sexuality at a very young age, and everything was said in silence for the next 28 years.
‘Is Ugh and emotion? She said as she turned up the sex to drown out her past.
Life is so ironic that it takes sadness to know happiness.
Wonderland is where I re-live my sexuality as an observer, Just like you are doing now. It’s all very meta.
She left little pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It’s easier to feel the sunlight without them she said – Author unknown
Fuck the Fear
Fuck the Pain
Fuck the Ego
Fuck the Spin
You want to be original
You want to be tough
You want to be ground-breaking
Then show everyone the real you
Honesty is an expensive gift. Just tell it like it was and don’t be the hero of your own story
These are the rules we created for extracting my sexual memories from Wonderland
If there is an answer to find being brutally honest with myself might help to find it. Maybe.
I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only makes sense in reverse – Phillip Yancey
I received this message 3 days after we filmed this episode from a psychotherapist I had not met with.
‘I think about the relationship you have with the person behind the camera in your films.
You seem to have found someone who will witness your process, supports you in it, and gets you.
There is something very intimate flowing between you and the person behind the camera which gives me hope for you,
This is what I would like to say to you.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D) is the presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states that alternate control of the individual’s behaviour.
Accompanied by the inability to recall memories beyond what is expected through normal forgetfulness.
There is an intense debate & disagreement about the cause of D.I.D
There are those who believe D.I.D is caused by trauma in childhood forcing the mind to split into multiple identities, each with a separate set of memories.
Nearly 75% of patients with borderline personality disorder also meet the criteria for D.I.D with considerable overlap between the two conditions in terms of personality traits, risk taking & impulse control.
Both groups also report higher than general population rates of physical and sexual abuse.
Even using strict diagnostic criteria it can be difficult to distinguish between dissociative disorders and other disorders such as bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia.
Can’t stop it
Can’t cure it
What causes it
Transcription courtesy of Bernie Glynn