Narcissistic_withdrawal: Narcissistic withdrawal is an ego defense in pathological personalities'. Should a narcissists' authority be challenged, they will attempt to tear down another person to maintain their superior position. Such narcissists use classic abuse techniques of withdrawing from a relationship, or using 'silent treatment' to exert their own control and direction over a relationship. 

Voices on obsession

Oh. Where are the other ones?.  

~They're having a picnic


~It's National Voice in your Head picnic day.  They give everything a National Day now.

You're kidding. Jeez Louise. It's quiet in there..,..but I do like picnics. Tell them to hurry back - my sarcastic inner monologue is just about the best thing I have going for me.

There is nothing to writing. You just sit at the typewriter and bleed. Ernest Hemmingway


Long form script:

I write about my obsessions. The things that haunt me. The things I can't forget. Won't forget. Due to magnetism, mesmerism or chemical re-action. They are stories I carry in my body waiting to be released. Like guinea worms, they burrow in my brain. Better out than in. This is one. About BDSM.

 Smile and the world smiles with you. Cry and you cry alone. Ah, but what happens if you want punishment. Because it's all your fault. Well, then I send out a search party looking for dark energy. Two-headed alien beasts in Alpha Centauri wake up for that kind of energy. 

I keep encountering these things. Shame. Regret. Confusion. I get used to them. I even start to miss them if they go away. I feel strangely ill at ease in their absence because we have spent so long together cultivating psychological chaos. The ability to reduce my awareness level of any other emotion has become an intricate part of my personality. I use the same inner-resource to block out emotional angst. I am very good at multi-tasking numbness.

There is an old saying, 'If things are going well, steel yourself. Sooner or later, they're going to get worse. If things are going badly, I cheer. Because I deserve that. A very natural law dictates that it shall be so. Truth. I probably want it, and that's what I fight every day. 

I live in a fantasy world. A bubble that my imagination has created for myself. There I can see things the way I want to. And I can tease all my Sisyphean shame into my preferred punishment.

I want to be captured by figments and phantoms. Taken to a room of mirrors. Filled with no hopes & no will. Just deja vu. Watching me. I am only for them. They can do with me what they like. Because I deserve nothing better

This is my fantasy

Read between the lines. You'll figure out what I'm fantasing about. The number one fantasy women have - according to reputable polls. And it is true for this focus group of one.  

But not for the same reasons. I got some different reasons.



Be a true cowboy. For once in your life. For a fistful of dollars. Or a fistful of shame. Whatever works best.


Your world is in flames there ain't even a name
For the feelings you feel as you watch it all burn.
There's a girl in the distance, she's calling your name,
But the name that she's calling is not your name.



Visitors in my head

Sometimes I get visitors in my head. SometimesI am delighted by their presence. And sometimes I stare wistfully at the wall wondering if they will ever leave. Me alone.



As all legal practitioners will confirm, even in the most carefully phrased documents, there is scope for misunderstanding. The words we use to convey basic messages may seem simple enough but when one person is determined to hear only what they want to hear, it is amazing how they can twist things



Slow conversations I've had with my obsessions mean more to me than anything I've ever said to anyone.


My thoughts wander to find my demons, and they're becoming the best of friends. 


Every memoir is fabricated, and the past is nothing more than our last retelling of it



...eventually, some thundercloud of progress sends a storm to swamp your palace of pretence



Sometimes, we just don't realise how much something is bugging us until it goes away. We think we are handling a situation. In a way, we are. But in another way, it all takes its toll. An unacknowledged source of stress can have an insidious side-effect. It can cause us to lay blame elsewhere. We end up accusing innocent people of causing the annoyance we feel. We get cross about arrangements or scenarios that are merely symptomatic of a different malaise.


There is an easy way to have 'all the answers.' Just don't ask any new questions. Dwell only on puzzles that you have already solved. Surround yourself with people who will never do anything differently. Then you can take refuge in the sham shelter of unchallenged opinions and you will remain safe and dry until, eventually, some thundercloud of progress sends a storm to swamp your palace of pretence.


So much in this world is just so stupid. Sources of irritation and aggravation surround every one of us. They wind us up. They get us down. They rob us all of our ability to be relaxed and at ease. Or rather, we rob ourselves. Those events are just events. As people are just people. They may, or may not, be able to exercise choice over how they behave, but we can. We have the power to say, 'I am not going to let this get to me.'


Some people know how to say all the right things. They don't actually do anything, but that often doesn't seem to matter. Words speak louder than actions - especially to those who are listening but not looking. You are now dealing with a promise-maker. Are you also dealing with a promise-keeper? Consider this person's track record. Then set your expectations accordingly.

Powerful forces

You can press ahead or stage a retreat. It may, though, be tricky to stay where you are. Delicate balances are always hard to maintain, especially when powerful forces are pushing and pulling us at once. An action that, one moment, is sufficient to command great attention may turn out, the next, to seem like a token gesture. What has changed? Ostensibly, not much

Fact vs fantasy

The gap between fact and fantasy is not always as clear as we might expect. We can get so excited about the way we wish things were that we twist and distort reality to try to make it match that vision. Or we may cling to a dream so resolutely and intently that we almost force it to come true, against all odds. Sometimes, the inability to distinguish clearly is a disadvantage. And sometimes, it's the most helpful gift the cosmos could ever give us.

Borough of Lost Boys

you expressed i was crazy via phone call from your shithole in the lower east side (on 13th street and 2nd avenue). – 28 (williamsburg, borough of lost boys)



*by someone who’s accepted it*

(frankie leone, just a man)


*no one see the world

with the same conviction 

as the mad man


figments of his imagination

hurricaning his view of the world


emotions rocketing through him

with the intensity of a dangerous narcotic



a revolution of thought

epic love

and a different future

that may or may not be coming


but belief is reality


and men like him

have unwavering faith*


*the madman walks

the streets of our city


a city with shiny skin

bittersweet fruit

and the potential 

to put someone to sleep forever


he feels










and believes


like no other*


*his hope is only 

to see something different


a choice that isn’t his


because as he sees our city

through a gritty kaleidoscope 


images of saints




and ugly


ghost dance through his psyche

to a torturous melody


but it’s fucking beautiful


and even though

he may yearn to give it away


it’s his

and no one can take it from him*


*when he speaks

his words may make a good listen


in madness

there is chaos


and all things worth witnessing

emerge from this condition


so it may not be unwise

to pay heed to the madman


just in case he’s right


after all


what do you believe in?*