Intro: Saint Rich - Saint Rich and Famous
I woke up this morning and looked at my phone.
Frank Moore had died.
I went out and added a piece to the front of Sexual Zeitgeist thanking him for being one of the earliest supporters of this project.
He was there at the start. Now he is gone.
Mark 'Chopper' Reid died last week.
I remember seeing him in a shop when I first got married.
That was 8 years ago.
He was there at the start. Now he is gone.
I am worried that one afternoon soon I will sit at the window and watch my life pass by.
For the last 2 weeks, I have had constant thoughts about death.
Feeling how it would feel if I knew I had 2 weeks or 2 years to live.
When I felt it, I felt scared. Really scared.
But everyone dies. Frank and Chopper know what it's like now.
So feeling scared felt kind of useless. It might not be the best outcome, but it is what it is. Maybe grace, and a shrug of the shoulders would be more useful.
Then I started to accept whatever happens happens. I got all philosophical.
Like what if death is like sleeping in on a Sunday morning. Forever. Why is that never an option in evolution or religion for the after life?. That wouldn't be something to be scared of. On some days, it would seem downright attractive. I bet you could even build a cult around the concept.
This freedom from fear allowed me some very valuable perspective.
I think I have been having these thoughts about death for one of two possible reasons.
1. I fucked around directionless with my life for 95% of it, and if I want to be a true artist, then I have to accept that without melancholy there is no art worth anything - so it would be poetic tragedy to die just when you've found your purpose, leaving the work unfinished.
It would also seem like this would be karma finally catching up with me.
I really have no idea how much good karma you have to do to erase old bad karma, but I instinctively feel that I haven't done enough, and therefore will get smacked upside the head with some grade A karma sometime before the final whistle blows.
2. that at the end of this project, I die. Poetic again. Possibly too so. I understand the beautiful nihilistic ambience of that outcome. Job done. I got nothing else. I have achieved my purpose, and now I must die.
Which means that every film gets me closer to death.
So why am I rushing so quickly through them?.
Way back in the back of my mind I have always thought I had a death wish, at least a healthy dose of nihilism, but I always brushed it aside as fear of the unknown. I hope I don't. Have a death wish. But all the evidence, if looked at by a reasonable person, would indicate otherwise.
I wonder if I am trying to get death and this project to meet magically at episode 250, which would be so beautifully grandiose, poetic and artistic - apart from the dying bit
Perhaps then I would be - ok, if you gotta go, this is not such a bad way to go. Going out on a high and having got the thing done that you wanted to get done, to the standard you aspired to.
Besides I think I'll be tired by then, so I might fancy a good lie down.
Obviously there is a third option - the project gets done. I'm happy, and I live til I'm 101.
The perfection of that option makes me think I've never done anything to deserve that option even being in the same postcode as me, so although I'd like to believe it - I'm a realist.
I know there are a whole lot of options in between, but for the sake of brevity, here are the important points.
I have lived a hard life.
I have done things I am not proud of.
I have not always acted with strength or courage.
I have not always been proud of my actions.
But they do not define who I am now.
But it still did happen.
Maybe all that stuff, it catches up with you. Maybe it doesn't. But I believe in karma, so I would err to the former.
Making these films has made me listen to what the universe is whispering. And it is whispering death at the moment.
I'm not sure if it is a metaphor for old self dying, for toxic relationships dying or whether it is literal - as in Frank and Chopper.
These are the thoughts that have filled my head the last two weeks.
So I have this feeling that we have only so long together, and that I need to appreciate every moment. I find myself doing this each night after having thoughts about going to sleep knowing I am are going to die soon. And how weird and scary that feels. Sometimes I do it just to feel how scary it feels - but still have the ability to pull myself out and appreciate that that isn't the situation.
After feeling that fear - It makes me think - at this moment in time, everything is ok.
Then there are the moments that aren't ok.
Not because of death looming - but because if death were looming - would there be the trivial arguments?. Would there be consideration shown?. Would there be a quiet discussion without yelling and screaming?. Would there be loving and comforting? Would there be quiet?
Would death looming be the necessary thing to stop the demons coming out at the slightest provocation?
Would death looming make you value what take for granted.
The answer is yes. Obviously.
But the question is why.
Why does it take death looming - for the need of resolution to outweigh the size of the ego?
I feel like shaking some
Are those people my parents?
And anyone else that traffics in ego, self righteousness, arrogance, and then mixes them with fear and insecurity.
For they are emotionally dangerous to unstable, confused minds - unstable, confused minds that are unstable and confused because emotionally dangerous people have been mixing ego, self righteousness, arrogance with fear and insecurity and feeding it as knowledge and values to the unstable confused mind.
It's kind of like second hand smoke.
Second hand crazy
I have choosen to understand I have a choice.
To accept and enable my parents persona of 'say anything you want, no matter how disrespectful, hateful, vengeful, then turn around and apologise insincerely, as if nothing ever happened.
And then repeat.
Nothing has changed to date.
You think apologies are going to wear thin after a while?.
Or is that a clever way to never deal with the anger that is so violent inside them?
I'm tired of accusations & argument instead of rational conversation sharing of ideas and points of view.
But I'm not going to bring myself down to their angry level no matter how inviting that seems to strike back with some rocks to their glass house.
But thoughts of death bring focus.
It's all about allocation of time and resources.
It's probably the only positive out of knowing you are going to die.
Your prioritisation skills improve.