Thanks you to do what you're doing.
This morning I wrote this text : it maybe help you to understand who I am, and why I appreciate so much your action.
Last week-end, Marie-Pierre, my precious Love, and me were discussing on an aspect of my personality. Hereafter is a small story about me, about my deviance. You could much more understand why your story touched me so hard.
Five years ago, I was visiting a friend, a Chinese medicine doctor. We discussed about life, health and so on... He told me : “You have too much Yin in your body, in your mind! You have to develop your Yang!”. I didn't respond. I was thinking : “What he said? I feel not like a women, I'm not homosexual, I love women, probably more than most of mens, strange words from him... I do sport, I like drive my motorcycle at inconsiderably high-speed, I love sex... No, he is mistaken!”.
Fleeting souvenirs were running in my head:
When I was a small boy, I can't remember the number of time to had heard this question : “What a pretty girl, what is your name?”. These words hurted me, I was not a girl : I was a boy! I were wanting to show them my attributes...
At 10, I had a one year psychotherapy, why ? My parents always refused to explain me the true reason. Their response was : you have trouble at school!
One day, I was 13, my sister laughed at me : “Laurent, look at you when you walk, you move your ass like a girl!”. I had to correct my appearance, I was a young man, I had to show the correct image of my manliness.
I don't know why, when I was a teenager, many gays followed me in the street. They looked so hard at me, it was terrible, I felt no fear, just a sensation to be an object, only an object of lust.
Nevertheless, I only had attraction for girls, they were simply my best friends, but it was so difficult for me to establish a relation different than friendship. Every second, I was obsessed by sex, my only anxiety was, that they perceived this obsession. Veiling my sentiments during all my adolescence was a very complicated task.
Later, the words of my friend, the doctor, were making waves in my brain. Lot of friends or colleagues were saying : you're so meticulous in your acts, in your words, empathic with your entourage, devoted to protect your friends when they have trouble with their life. I'm thinking now that I'm like a mother with her children... This is probably an aspect of my Yin side, my friend was not wrong, but I decided to change nothing...
Hereafter are the conclusion of our discussion with my wife Marie-Pierre:
I am gay? No!
I am a man? Externally : yes!
I am a woman? Internally : yes!
Do I love my sex? Yes!
Do I want to change my sex? No!
Do I feel ok with me? Yes!
Do I feel ok with her? Yes!
Does she feels ok with me? Yes!
I have to precise that Marie-Pierre never wanted to have male children... She was so happy when she knews, after the birth of our first baby, that she was a girl.
I feel me like a woman full up testosterone ! The only thing I regret: physically, I'll never could be, like a woman, multiorgasmic...
I'm a special guy in my brain. Happy to be different, despite of the social pressure, happy with my sex, happy to have found the person loving me like I am.
We have to refuse the normality, everybody has it own individuality. That make the richness of our society. We have to leave out this consumer society, where people are normalized to be perfect consumers.
Thanks Missy, to help me clarifying these ideas in my agitated brain.
Thanks again Missy, to do what you do.