Missy Jubilee. 052. Praise PREVIEW & FULL SCRIPT

The following is a re-construction of an event that happened in 1994

Exact location: latitude 28°07.598 south, longitude 153°28.791

Heliolatry/noun -worship of the sun

 Why was I on top of this sandhill in the middle of nowhere, having just turned 14, alone & naked and just about to crucify myself figuratively speaking is a good question

Because from this moment on my life spiraled out of control sexually

Since I was about six, sex was all I thought about

It was a limited concept, since I didn’t know what sex was then

However, over the years it became obsessive

Occasionally my parents would find clues
to my interests and they were never pleased

The thoughts went underground, hidden from the view of everyone

Such a situation does not lead to objectivity

Around the age of 12, I became convinced
there was something wrong with me

I read obsessively about sexual conditions, spending every lunch hour at school immersed in my own secret mission to find out why I was fucked up

After two years of spiraling downward, I came up with a plan

I would save up all my lunch money, 
pick a doctor who didn't know my family from the yellow pages - and ask him what was wrong with me

Six months later, I got on the bus and travelled to his office

So long story short on the doctor
He asked me to tell him everything I thought about regarding sex, particularly the stuff I thought was bad

After about an hour of taking notes
he said he wanted to have a think about what I had said and consider what was the right thing to do

I got on the bus to go back home
and I remember thinking 'that felt good. I feel lighter'

I felt happy for the first time in a long time

As I walked down the driveway at home, my mother came running towards me and she screamed 6 inches from my face

'how could you embarrass us like this!'

I remember looking at her with my mouth open, not understanding what the fuck was going on

That doctor just rang us and he told us everything you told him!

You're disgusting! You’re a filthy pervert!'

All I could think was ‘why are you doing this?’

Off to the side, my father looked at me
with disgust and shook his head as he turned away

I couldn't say anything

In that moment, I just fractured. And there were no survivors as they stomped away

All we can be, is what we are at the present time. 

At this time, I was broken

To a youngster, the way in which a parent describes the child might seem like premonition for their future

And so it was for me

As I teeter totted on the edge of the eternal abyss of shame, I noticed there were no angels here

Just another me. And this me was angry. As fuck. At me

‘Look at you cry you pathetic weakling’ it called out

‘Who are you’ I asked.

‘Who are you to ask you piece of shit’ it ridiculed

From this moment, I split into two distinct identities - the meek weak normal me, and the sexually secret angry me

No-one who encountered one identity knew of the other identity. I kept their activities, thoughts & actions completely separate

The next day I went and stood on top of this sandhill naked, for the first time, and screamed - look at me. I'm disgusting. I’m a pervert. I'm pathetic. I am bad - over and over until I couldn't anymore, because I had no voice or tears left

Surprisingly, this self shaming
made me feel a lot better, even sexually excited in a weird I hate myself and that feels good masochistic kind of way

My pain, shame, pleasure sexual axis of evil had been born

Over the coming years, it would get more powerful - as it got more dangerous

Maybe I didn’t know how to love myself
but I knew how to be worthless for being wrong

So I just went with what I knew

I was 14 years old

And I made myself 


At the age of 14, my family simply ceased to exist in my mind. I stopped speaking inside our home for the next 3 years

I would never need my parents to be proud of me again

The condition later identified as Dissociative Personality Disorder started to take majority control of my mind after this event

This new identity was about to embark on a very long sexual rollercoaster  ride

Standing on the top of that sand hill
represents the moment after my brain breaks, and I fall off the edge of normality into a darkness of sex, revenge, drugs, control, domination, exhibitionism, shame, perversion, danger & punishment - in other words, the stuff that turns me on

This was my sexual & mental home for half of me for 20 years, and I loved it every minute of it. I still do. It's all I know

I should be thankful my mother inspired the demons to dance

This film is dedicated to my mother

Praise you

Welcome to my mind

Where I keep saying to people
We do not have multiple personalities

And they keep saying to me
Who is we? 

P.S. Why is this house exploding into fire?
That can't be a good sign can it?

I have often thought about what I wanted
my mother to say that day, or what I wanted to read in a letter that arrived one day during the last twenty years

No such letter ever arrived, so I collected some thoughts and created my own in an attempt at closure & some fucking peace

My self help is quite prescriptive but I'd settle for less

'10% of conflicts are due to differences of opinion. 90% of conflicts are due to the wrong tone of voice

-Vea Mariz


Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D)
is a mental disorder on the dissociative spectrum characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities
or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior

Dissociation is a mental process
where a person disconnects from their
thoughts, feelings, memories & normal sense of identity

It is accompanied by memory impairment of
important information & events
not explained by ordinary forgetfulness

Between 1 and 3% in the general population have D.I.D, and it is diagnosed 3 to 9 times
more often in females than in males

Its diagnosis is often used in pleas' of not guilty by reason of insanity

Dissociative disorders have been attributed
to disruptions in self image caused by trauma in childhood that fractures the patients identity as a way of coping

Separate identities that form may be unaware of each other and compartmentalize knowledge of these memories and the pain they cause resulting in chaotic 'normal' personal lives

The primary identity, which often has the patient's true given name, tends to be passive, dependent, guilty and weak

The secondary identity has another name,
and tends to be more active, confident, aggressive, sexualised and provocative

This identity also often contains more complete vivid memories

Missy is not my real name

Just so you know who's in the room now

'An individual can carry on a double existence - one designed to create their own power and serve their own secret purposes 

And another as a link in the chain of normal society, in which they serve without any power of their own'

-Sigmund Freud: Austrian Psychotherapist 

That thing regarding the doctor

It was what it was

He did what he was supposed to do with an underage patient - inform the child's parents that child might need some help, some guidance maybe

In hindsight, with time past, I hold no malice towards him

But I did, for a long time

Revenge malice

Count of Monte Christo scale of revenge malice

Luckily, I started taking drugs and other things started to seem more interesting

Missy Jubilee. 052. Praise
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