If you have not seen any of my films
Or you have not followed the story to date
I highly recommend you do not watch this film
I would suggest something easier
Like the sweet embrace of alcohol, snuggling with your pets
Or listening to the live acoustic version of Hotel California
This film is very weird & will do your head in
And no-one wants that, most of all me
Besides, my insurance doesn’t cover damage caused by confusion
Your videos are pathetic – message from 32 year old male – USA
Seriously, you’re not very good – message from 34 year old male – Syria
You are sick – message from 23 year old male, Saudi Arabia
You’re probably right – the voices in my head
Do trees not laugh because they live in a world without irony?
Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable
White rabbit: how long is forever?
Alice: sometimes… just one second
Have you ever wondered what sexual insanity looks & sounds like?
This is what it looks and sounds like to me
The greatest prison one can live in, is the fear of what others might think
I don’t live in that prison
I live in a different prison
These memories are unfortunately the architecture of my reality
This is a story about my grandmother
She was not normal
Therefore am I not genetically not normal?
In 1968 they drove my grandmother to an insane asylum for the first time
She would die an emotional vegetable 15 years later
Ummm. Excuse me. Isn’t this supposed to be porn?
It’s philosophical porn
Besides, everything we now & believe is predicted on someone’s first philosophical investigations
Someone asks, why is it so?
And I think it is relevant to the issue at hand
The issue being?
The issue being why I am sexually insane
Are you sure being sexually insane is a thing?
We are what we believe we are
Or who we are told we are
I wish i could trade-in bad old memories
Can you take the truth?
Depends on where you want me to take it
My grandmother’s name was Stella
She was weird. Like me
She was told to stop acting weird
It’s all in your mind
Stella couldn’t cope & hid away
Stella got more depressed
They came and took my grandmother away
But they couldn’t fix her. Her heart was torn
The doctors suggested electro shock therapy
That didn’t work
They shook the angel in her & she got worse
She was living in her mind. Staring out
She became difficult to manage
The doctors recommended a lobotomy
And asked my mother to sign the papers
It would be easier this way
“find what you love and let it kill you” – Bukowski
The lobotomy cuts away the connections to & from the prefrontal cortex and the anterior part of the frontal lobes of the brain
The lobotomy procedure can have severe negative effects.
Patients can lose their ability to function. They can become vegetables
It has a certain brutal simplicity to it
I cannot masturbate to this. Are you hearing me? Hellooo?
Just wait 45 seconds
It doesn’t take a knife to kill someone. Sometimes just not caring works well too.
I feel most uneasy at night at home alone
That’s when my grandmother’s monsters say
My mother used to say
When you meet people ask them what they are afraid of
They have to be afraid of something
Otherwise they don’t believe in anything
I’m afraid that I believe I could be my grandmother
That her genes are mine
That her fate could be mine if I trust the wrong people
I wonder if my mother thinks about Stella
She never talked about her much
I met Stella once or twice but i don’t remember her
Her face always looks blurry in photos
Not the focus, it was just confusion i think
These things i knew about her
It’s not much
Stella’s husband went to war and came back wrong
He had post traumatic stress
He drank. He beat her. He cheated on her. He left
Stella started cleaning her house in her underwear
Then she started cleaning her house naked.
No-one could stop her
Somehow the trauma of her husband unleashed her sexuality
Without any shame or inhibition or consideration of the consequences
It had to come out of her.
As an act of cleansing
Imagine losing yourself so completely in making someone else happy
That your sexuality pours from the open wound
Of a lifetime of sexual repression
And not want it to stop
To never want to come back to reality because reality hurts too much
Her cleaning is my film project
We are both trying to cleanse something down deep
What i do think is strange
Is than my mother told me this story more than once
Not judging. Not shaming. Just telling
Like, she went crazy but she was proud of her sexuality
Was your mother repressed sexually?
She sunbathed nude and topless most days
Probably still does.
Do you see where this is going?
You tell me
There are no other women in my family
My grandmother. My mother. Me
Either i am in a fever of competition
To become the most sexual woman of the family, or…
By questioning my grandmother’s sexuality and sanity
And my sexuality and sanity
My mother is trying to do away with the competition
I’d like to think the former
That this is a process of evolution, not devolution
Have you ever thought of your mother as competitive?
Many times. For the attention of men
Not all the time. But many times
Do you really think the latter option is possible?
Not really. Maybe. Anything is possible i suppose
When did you notice the competition from your mother?
When i was 12
How did you feel?
Like i lost. Me
What would your 12 year old self think of you right now?
I don’t know
I think my 12 year old self checked out long ago
Besides, i’m a realist. This isn’t wonderland and my name isn’t Alice
So what’s the solution?
Well, i’ve always been a strong believer in the concept that the correct answer to every question is…
The future sex love art projekt
Welcome to my mind
It’s a little intense at times