I LOVE your poetic ramblings and expressions and self-revelations!!!
They are a wonderful window into your soul that most people are truly unwilling to let anyone glimpse, let alone gaze at from a distance! I love your openness and candor and honesty!!!

As far as psychiatrists, as mentioned in one of your posts when it was suggested to you that it would help your case (been there, done that) and then were shot down because you didn't "measure up"! LOL:

The only reason they are so smug and self-respecting is because someone somewhere decided to give them a 'Dr.' at the front of their name, as if they are qualified to inspect and diagnose the inner workings of the human mind! One day in the distant future, when we do actually understand the working of the brain, from a biological/medical/hormonal/nervous system/vitamin balanced/fitness/sleep/dream/environmental perspective,  we will look back on our 20th and 21st century "psychological experts" as laughably naive and useless and extremely damaging in the majority of cases, much as we look on 18th and 19th century 'doctors' using known poisons to 'treat' illnesses. But of course much of the poisons administered by the current health care profession and especially the psychiatric 'professionals' will be largely blamed on the drug companies, not the incompetence and self-serving state of the profession.

In short, don't be's not you!
So keep on trucking, fucking, writing, creating, directing, but most importantly feeling!
And when you feel most alone, know that there are many out here who support you, and share your pain (and sometimes your pleasure). So never despair!!!